Ban Toxic Talk — Combine your “AQ, (Adoption-attunement Quotient,) with your “EQ” (Emotional Intelligence.) – Growing Intentional Families Together, LLC

Although the old adage says, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” we all know the truth that contradicts this old saw. Some words cut to the core, flay the spirit, and destroy self-esteem. Once spoken and heard, such toxic words cannot be taken back, “unheard” or forgotten. Forgiveness may follow, but the memory of such verbal poison and the emotional message they convey, will linger. The scar will remain as a permanent memory of a painful experience.

Adoptees are predisposed to feelings of shame and inadequacy. Being mindful of this vulnerability, parents must commit to holding an absolute boundary regarding certain toxic, emotionally devastating phrases. Regardless of the buttons kids may push or the emotional hand grenades they lobby, this boundary must remain solid. There is NEVER justification for the use of such “Black Box” phrases as:

“I wish we’d never adopted you.”

“My biological children would never be like you”

“Adopting you was a big mistake”

“You should be grateful we adopted you.”

“Maybe I’m not your real mom/dad but you’re not my real kid either.”

“You’re so puny, or such a big Amazon, or ____ (insert a phrase that attacks your child’s being.”

What other toxic talk might be fatal to your relationships as a family? When your kids say deeply hurtful things to you, how do you remain calm and “adult” and resist the urge to retaliate?

4 Comments

lynnc on September 15, 2013 at 8:12 pm

Our children are very sensitive to what we say and the way we say it. They interpret everything they hear through their trauma and pain. It is up to us to find ways to handle our emotions regarding their reactions so we don’t cause further harm. I wish I was more aware of this when my sons were younger and had a knowledgable support system to help me cope.

Susan D on September 16, 2013 at 12:47 pm

Hmm, I think last week’s topic ties in somewhat to this topic, especially when asked what to do to remain calm, “adult” and resist the urge to retaliate. As a parent to any child, I want to make sure that I take care of myself so that I am available for my children. Another suggestion that my son-in-law finds working for him is to “play tag team” and hand off the parental duties to the partner for a 20 minute recess. I think taking a break would help allow you to put things in perspective. And what of the deeply hurtful things? Perhaps postive mind chatter would assist here! I agree that it is imperative not to enter the “black box” zone. Loving another human being is not always easy. Take it day by day.

Sally A on September 17, 2013 at 2:05 pm

I am wondering what you mean by adoptees being “predisposed” to shame and inadequacy. I would say that adoptees have a beginning context of loss that may make them vulnerable to feelings of shame and inadequacy, but not necessarily predisposed. Being aware of the vulnerability while holding them as strong and capable seems to be a worthy goal for parents. That being said, I fully agree that we as adoptive parents should have a heightened awareness of what we say. But, what do we do when we slip up?
- admin on September 17, 2013 at 2:23 pm
  
  Thank you all for your comments. “Slipping up” is bound to happen. Hopefully, the negative phrases mentioned in the blog will not be part of the slip-up. But, our slip-ups can be an opportunity to model how to make an effective apology:
  1. State specifically what was said or done that was wrong. (i.e. “I called you a name and that was very wrong.)
  2. State the hurt you caused. (“I see by your reaction how that hurt you.”)
  3. State how your actions made you feel. ( i.e. “I feel sick that I said that because that is not how I truly feel about you.”)
  4. Explain how you will act in the future. (i.e. “Next time I get so angry, I am going to count to five and take five deep breaths. If I need
  to, I am going to take a short walk around the house to calm down before we talk it out.”)
  5. Be good on your word and follow through with the plan.
  6. The final step is for us as parents not to dwell on or continue to beat ourselves up for what we have said or done. We have to forgive ourselves, too, so that we can move forward with confidence and be the parents we seek to be. This step, too, is very important for our children to witness so that they can learn self-forgiveness and moving on when they falter in their own lives.

lynnc on September 15, 2013 at 8:12 pm

Our children are very sensitive to what we say and the way we say it. They interpret everything they hear through their trauma and pain. It is up to us to find ways to handle our emotions regarding their reactions so we don’t cause further harm. I wish I was more aware of this when my sons were younger and had a knowledgable support system to help me cope.
Susan D on September 16, 2013 at 12:47 pm

Hmm, I think last week’s topic ties in somewhat to this topic, especially when asked what to do to remain calm, “adult” and resist the urge to retaliate. As a parent to any child, I want to make sure that I take care of myself so that I am available for my children. Another suggestion that my son-in-law finds working for him is to “play tag team” and hand off the parental duties to the partner for a 20 minute recess. I think taking a break would help allow you to put things in perspective. And what of the deeply hurtful things? Perhaps postive mind chatter would assist here! I agree that it is imperative not to enter the “black box” zone. Loving another human being is not always easy. Take it day by day.
- Sally A on September 17, 2013 at 2:05 pm
  
  I am wondering what you mean by adoptees being “predisposed” to shame and inadequacy. I would say that adoptees have a beginning context of loss that may make them vulnerable to feelings of shame and inadequacy, but not necessarily predisposed. Being aware of the vulnerability while holding them as strong and capable seems to be a worthy goal for parents. That being said, I fully agree that we as adoptive parents should have a heightened awareness of what we say. But, what do we do when we slip up?
  - admin on September 17, 2013 at 2:23 pm
    
    Thank you all for your comments. “Slipping up” is bound to happen. Hopefully, the negative phrases mentioned in the blog will not be part of the slip-up. But, our slip-ups can be an opportunity to model how to make an effective apology:
    1. State specifically what was said or done that was wrong. (i.e. “I called you a name and that was very wrong.)
    2. State the hurt you caused. (“I see by your reaction how that hurt you.”)
    3. State how your actions made you feel. ( i.e. “I feel sick that I said that because that is not how I truly feel about you.”)
    4. Explain how you will act in the future. (i.e. “Next time I get so angry, I am going to count to five and take five deep breaths. If I need
    to, I am going to take a short walk around the house to calm down before we talk it out.”)
    5. Be good on your word and follow through with the plan.
    6. The final step is for us as parents not to dwell on or continue to beat ourselves up for what we have said or done. We have to forgive ourselves, too, so that we can move forward with confidence and be the parents we seek to be. This step, too, is very important for our children to witness so that they can learn self-forgiveness and moving on when they falter in their own lives.