8 Things That Foster Success in Reunion and Open Adoptions

Today I would like to focus on my perception of how Elizabeth Barbour, an adoptee, author and an adoptive parent has “successfully” managed both her reunion with own birth family and her daughter’s open adoption. Elizabeth recently spoke on our vlog/podcast. She shared some personal insights on reunion and open adoption. Her experiences reflect the core principles which define our approach to coaching adoption constellation members: Adoption Attunement, Tri-relational Interconnectivity,* and a Tri-spective point of view.** We’ve explored these principles in detail in previous blogs.

Here are 8 things that foster success in reunion and open adoptions.

Empathy

Elizabeth teared up when she described watching her daughter interact with her birth dad. She summed up her thoughts this way, “I am grateful she is having a different experience than I did.” From the depths of her own lived experience, Elizabeth appreciated what her daughter gained by having a relationship with her birth father—the belonging, the genetic mirrors, the impact on identity, and the experience of knowing her sibling.

Having mutual respect

Elizabeth received so much from being reunited with her birth parents and siblings as an adult. She yearned for that same connection for her daughter during her childhood via open adoption. Still, when her daughter’s birth mother asked to end contact, because it was too overwhelming for her, Elizabeth respected the request. This was disappointing for Elizabeth because she recognized what a great loss this would be for her daughter., Elizabeth honored the request made by her daughter’s birth mother and closed the adoption. Still Elizabeth continues to hold hope that someday they will come back together.

Using good communication

Throughout our conversation with Elizabeth, it became clear that she and her extended birth relatives as well as her daughter’s communicate clearly, engage in relational repair, and spend the time to build genuine, vibrant relationships. That takes effort and commitment.

Noticing joy

Even while being heartbroken for her daughter when her birth mother opted out of the open adoption. Elizabeth appreciated that her daughter’s birth father was all in. As so often happens in adoption both joy and sorrow, gain and loss coexist.

Staying flexible

Family gatherings require compromise, respect, a sense of humor and flexibility. This is especially true when bringing birth and adoptive families together. It is likely that

nothing will go exactly as planned
the activity you had your heart set on might get cancelled
The activity you really didn’t want, is the one the group chooses
Some will be pleased and satisfied. Others will be annoyed and disappointed
Whatever compromises are required, it will be worth it in the end

Creating and honoring clear boundaries

Besides specifying duration and location, schedule predetermined breaks. Ensure that the children and everyone else knew what to expect. The intent is not control. It is structure. Boundaries provide structure that supports everyone during these priceless yet emotionally taxing meetings.

Going the extra distance

Make spending time together a priority, either in person or virtually. Visits can vary. Some might include only the adoptive family and one birth parent. Others might include many members from all of the families. Of course, anyone who has ever planned a vacation with a large family knows how incredibly complicated it is. Handling logistics is never easy. It takes effort and determination. Coordinating schedules, identifying locations, planning lodging and meals, arranging activities and quiet times all while getting along. Making sure it happens—that’s GOING THE DISTANCE. And it pays dividends in terms of strong, meaningful connection.

Sustaining Trust

Trust is the oxygen of relationships. Without trust relationships die. Whether it is the relationship between spouses/partners, parent and child, Birth parent and adoptive parent, etc., trust is not the secret ingredient, it is the key ingredient. Trust is a fragile thing, difficult to build and easily fractured, so handle with care.

Questions to ponder

How might intentionally using a Tri-spective point of view help you to support everyone in your personal adoption circle (triad)?
What shifts for you when you consider the idea of Tri-relational Interconnectivity?
Recall a recent interaction you experienced with someone in your adoption circle (triad). How might an awareness of Tri-relational Interconnectivity open channels of connection and communication?

*Tri-relational Interconnectivity refers to the emotional, physical, and psychological ties that link the adoption triad. They are inter-connected in a profound and permanent way. What happens to one person in the adoption relationship affects the others.

**Tri-spective point of view is a perspective of adoption that considers the experiences and points of view of all of the parties: the adoptee, birth parents, and adoptive parents.