Supporting Adoptees at School

The most recent vlog conversation between our adoption coaches Kim Noeth, Sharon Butler-Obazee, and Sally Ankerfelt generated insights from their respective positions in the adoption triad. They spoke with a sixth-grade teacher, Michelle Soggs, who shared her experiences as a teacher striving to meet the various needs and learning styles of her students.

Although Michelle is not personally part of an adoption, she has taught children who were in foster care, kinship placements and adoptive families. Her teaching approach is child-centric and geared toward helping students experience success.

To do this, Michelle builds connection with her students. She appreciates having access to information that enables her to adjust her expectations based on their current skills. She then delineates an approach that will allow each student to feel successful, meet educational standards, plus feel safe, seen, valued, and validated. Ideally all teachers strive to do this as well. Of course, that also requires a partnership between teacher and parents.

How can parents support this worthy goal?

For intentional, Adoption Attuned parents this can require some finesse. We always want to be sensitive to the privacy boundaries of our children and to be clear about what it is appropriate to share with teachers and school staff. A good rule of thumb is to let them know that your child has experienced trauma without sharing the specific details of that trauma.

Alert the teacher to any known cues that tend to trigger a response from the child. This enables the teacher to be proactive. The teacher can avoid the cues and or alert the child ahead of time so the child is not blind-sided by them.

Being proactive can benefit the teacher and the student

Triggers might include certain sounds like sirens or gun shots, smells, like certain foods or perfumes, and music. Any of these can throw a child into dysregulation if it is linked to difficult or traumatic events in their past. Activating cues can also be connected to the calendar. Birthdays, certain dates and/or holidays can operate as trauma anniversaries or traumaverseries. Although many might observe the day with calm, ease and perhaps even pleasure. For some students they can be linked to trauma and therefore can be dysregulating to that student.

So, if you know a traumaversary looms on the horizon, it would be useful to let a teacher know a week before you think your child might be extra sensitive or more easily activated in the classroom. As mentioned earlier in this blog, the teacher does not need to know the specifics of the trauma. They only need to know that a trauma occurred.

It may also be appropriate to cue coaches, close friends, and family about traumaversaries. Even with these group, regardless of your level of intimacy, err on the side of caution and do not share the specifics of the trauma.

Children walk between two worlds—home and school

Be mindful that dysregulation activated by triggers can happen in either location or both. In fact, they can show up anywhere that the child is present.

As your child grows, be vigilant. Notice when something triggers them. Keep a journal that briefly describes what, where, when it occurred. Note who was present, any sound, music, or smell that might have triggered the dysregulation. This will enable you to be proactive in the future so you can better manage triggers at home.

It may also be appropriate to talk with your child about what you have noticed. Select the time and location carefully and of course, use age-appropriate language. Be mindful of your words and body language. Intentionally create a sense of calm and safety.

Here are some examples of things that you might say are:

I notice that whenever [that song] plays it seems to make you feel sad or angry. Have you noticed that too?
Next month is your birthday. Do you want a family party or would you rather not?
Next week is the year anniversary since the car accident that paralyzed your friend. Is that dredging up tough feelings for you?
The anniversary of your entering foster care is coming up. How can Dad and I help you with that?

So, as the school year gets into full swing, look for ways to be proactive about managing triggers. Stay curious about ways to identify when your kids need support. Consciously make efforts to invite conversations that address adoption complexity. Look for ways to savor the spontaneous moments of joy that you have as a family. Intentionally strive to appreciate the blessing of ordinary family moments.

To learn more about helping your child at school, check out Heather Forbes’ book, Help for Billy: A Beyond Consequences Approach to Helping Challenging Children in the Classroom.