The Gift of Less

During the holidays we can easily get caught up in a whirlwind of making things “more.” More fun-filled. More extravagant. More memorable—all of which can make the holidays MORE STRESSFUL.

Of course, it is impossible to completely delete the material aspect from the holiday. However, it is possible to adjust the emphasis. What if we decided to concentrate on providing the gift of less? Less stuff and more connection. Less expectations and more understanding. Less doing and more being. Ponder that idea for a moment. How does it feel?

Thoughts on Gift Giving

During our most recent vlog recording session, we talked about the complexities that can occur around gift-giving in the context of adoptive relationships. As we shared our thoughts and past experiences when selecting gifts, we drew an observation. Regardless of our role in the triad, we shared similar intentions: to create connection, warm feelings, and delight and, to avoid offense, hard feelings, or disappointment.

Often, the effort to find the “perfect” gift generated stress, anxiety, and worry. We couldn’t always predict or ensure a positive impact. Why is that? Well, in addition to the normal dynamics at play, the silent yet potent influence of the seven core issues in adoption press inexorably. Sometimes we are conscious of these forces. Often, we are not. Nonetheless, they affect adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents.

These seven issues generate self-talk that can cause us to second-guess our choices. They can make us feel unsure and tentative, as if we are walking on the proverbial eggshells.

How can we move to a more authentic connection?

The best way around this is to be straight forward and talk about it. Define what parameters work for you, for them and forge guidelines that work for all. Make discussing things a habit instead of stuffing feelings down or making assumptions. Mind reading never works.

As author Lisa Carey *wrote, “If you wait for people to read your mind, most of them will hear only your silence.” Straight forward, clear communication is the surest path forward.

One of the final comments in our group conversation captured the essence of our discussion. The two greatest gifts we can offer are intangible: belonging and acceptance.

At this time of the year when the phrase no room at the inn is on people’s minds, let us open wide our arms to welcome our children, their complete story and the entire cast of characters from their lives. If we can’t do it in person, we can do it emotionally and psychologically. We can reassure our children and their birth family that they can find welcome in our hearts, our homes, our lives.

What will you do this month to nurture your child’s sense of belonging?

*In the Country of the Young