On Fathers in Adoption—Having One and Being One

Reflections On Fathers in Adoption—Having One and Being One

In this month’s vlog conversation, Tony, Thom and TJ discussed their thoughts and feelings about fatherhood in adoptive families. Tony is an adoptee raised by two lesbian mothers. Thom is a birth father. TJ is an adoptive father. They shared some very powerful insights about what it means to be a father, to have a father, and to lack a father. Please follow the link to listen and/or watch.

I think it is useful to create an understanding of the word father. As we contemplate our observances of Father’s Day, we have an opportunity to consider what is being honored. Questions come to mind. What does it mean to father? To BE a father? To HAVE a father? Especially when adoption is added into the mix. Each of these questions invites a different response. Let’s consider them in order.

What does it mean TO father?

According to Merriam Webster it means to beget. This basically reduces a father to the physical act of conception. From one perspective this is accurate. Yes, some men limit their fathering efforts to biology alone. However, this definition of father is extremely limited. It ignores the breadth of human parenting. There is no consideration of any ongoing relationship, commitment, or obligation to provide for the welfare of the child. When most of us think of a father, we have in mind someone who is a dad in more than biology alone.

What does it mean to BE a father?

This question draws a more expansive definition. From this angle, fatherhood is characterized by the relationship a man has with a child. It is a lived commitment of heart and spirit. A father provides support, guidance, love, inspiration, protection and serves as a role model of manhood. Ideally, the father/child relationship is a loving and affectionate relationship and is welcomed beyond childhood. This aspect of fathering may include the biological function—but does not necessarily require it.

As I stated earlier in this blog, the most basic father figure is the biological parent. Others who fulfill the role of father are: grandfathers, adoptive fathers, foster fathers, stepfathers, uncles, brothers and even family friends. These men assume their father role by choice either as an extension of their genetic link or in spite of its absence. Now that we have a shared understanding of the nuances of fathering, let’s consider our last question.

What does it mean to HAVE a father?

Of course, every human being has a father. That’s a biological fact. However, having a father in the fuller sense of the word is more about relationships. One can have a father in the factual sense and in the physical sense. Yet, the success of the relationship depends on many factors beyond genetics and presence.

Ideally the father-child relationship is rich in security, empathy, and love and is permeated with a sense of deep connection, acceptance, and validation. A father can be present in one’s life in the literal sense while being simultaneously absent in an emotional or relational sense. Sadder still, a dad can be literally present yet have an emotionally destructive presence.

Whatever the type of presence a father holds in a child’s life, he leaves a life-long impact. Some stand as a positive role model and an inspiration while others serve as a cautionary tale—an exemplar of who and how not to be.

In adoptive families, being a father and having a father have extra layers of complexity for both parent and child. As adoptee and adoptive parent Joanna Ivey says, each member of the triad experience losses and grief. Each carries wounds. Understandably, there is sensitivity, plus both a hunger for and a wariness around connection.

This is why intentionality, empathy and education on Adoption Attunement and adoption complexity are essential in adoptive parenting. There is another layer in this paradigm of adoptive parenting.

When a birth father is PHYSICALLY ABSENT

It has a huge impact. His absence holds a huge amount of emotional and psychic space in the child’s life. Because of their separation from their birth family, all adoptees experience the absence of their biological father. This occurs on a spectrum depending on the degree, regularity, and quality of interaction the child has with his birth father.

In some adoptive families, the birth father is totally absent. Whether this is by choice or by law or by circumstances, this absence matters. It impacts the child in profound ways and he will need help identifying and processing his feelings. Parents will want to be intentional, attuned, and prepared to provide ongoing, compassionate support to their child and to engage with Communicative Openness on this topic.[i]

When NO FATHER IS PART of the family

Sometimes, adoptive families have no father presence at all. For instance, in single mom adoptions or in adoptions by a lesbian couple. In these families, the father’s absence is definitely a powerful presence. Parents will want to find men who can serve as mentors and friends who can model how to be a man for their children.

By the way, the father model is important for both boys and girls. Boys can observe how they might comport themselves as men, friends, and partners. Girls can discern the kind of men they want in their lives as friends and partners. The point here is that fathers MATTER.

Some questions

Who were the fathers and father figures in your life growing up?

How did they impact your sense of men and fathers?

What fathers are present in your family?

What can you do to ensure that your children are receiving a robust and healthy sense of fathers and fatherhood?

[i] Communicative Openness An attitude of welcome and openness to discussing adoption complexity and

the spectrum of thoughts, feelings and beliefs connected to adoption. Communicative Openness also includes receptivity to the permanence of birth parents and birth culture in the child and willingness to share information honestly.