The Many Faces of Mothers in Adoption

This month’s vlog/podcast includes several short videos of triad members talking about mothers, motherhood and being mothered. Adoption weaves a complicated web of intersecting perspectives around motherhood. So, we anticipated that the conversation might stir strong emotions. However, one of our guiding principles for our vlog/podcast is to engage in Courage conversations that seek truth, honesty, and integrity. So, we asked folks to tell us what mothers and mothering means to them and how it touched them personally.

One of our first hurdles centers around language. In adoption, the word mother often wears descriptors, e.g., expectant mother, birth mother, first mother, natural mother, genetic mother, biological mother, surrogate mother, mother of experience, to name just a few. At first glance, focusing on language might seem like hairsplitting. In fact, it is so much more. Each term reflects a unique aspect of mothering. Due to reproductive technology, mothering, in some cases is no longer limited to the actions of one man and one woman. In fact, it may involve several people. And in adoption, it always involves four parents–the biological parents and the adoptive parents.

These distinctions matter

Each term refers to a flesh and blood person with thoughts, feelings, struggles, disappointments, talents, dreams and successes. Fundamentally, our word choices reflect courtesy and respect for those with whom we speak and those to whom we refer.

Our words and conversations form the channels that enable us to weave attachment, connection, and relationship in adoption. If respect and courtesy are missing, it is nearly impossible to have an effective and valuable conversation let alone build a relationship.

Listening matters too

Conversations require both a speaker and a listener. The quality, intensity, and depth of the listening matters as much as the effort, expertise and empathy of the speaker. Without listening, conversations devolve into monologue which, like the proverbial clapping with one hand, make no impact.

Moving beyond siloed versions of our adoption-connected experiences

Understanding Tri-relational Interconnectivity lets us see how each of us in the triad carries wounds. Each of us struggles with grief, loss, yearning for belonging and connection. Each of us wants to be seen as valuable and good enough.

A choice can be made—a choice that serves us collectively. We can resist the need to erect walls that divide us and turn us into rivals competing to see whose grief and losses are the worst. Instead, we can come together, endeavor to empathize, understand, and support, know, and value one another.

How do we accomplish this aspirational goal?

To find the answer, we must come full circle. We must strive to know, respect, support and care for one another by encouraging and holding Courageous Conversations, by listening deeply, and by treating one another with compassion and kindness. Engage in the sacred work of truth telling, truth seeking, and truth seeing.