Our podcast co-hosts Sharon Butler-Obazee, Kim Noeth, and Sally Ankerfelt shared a thought-provoking conversation with adoptee and podcast host Simon Benn. He mentioned that a friend asked a powerful question that led to a significant personal revelation. It actually caused Simon to rewrite his previously held belief that his first mother did not want him and did not love him.
Imagine the sense of relief that this change in belief triggered for Simon! As coaches, powerful questions are our stock in trade. We appreciate and frequently witness the impact a well-formed, well-timed question can have. We see how provocative questions can help people see into the unlit corners of their belief systems.
The Power of Metaphor
In addition to highlighting the impact of questions, Simon also mentioned metaphors. He explained how they can both serve and impede understanding. For instance, being told that he is the trauma he experienced as a result of being adopted felt like a straight jacket to Simon. He believes the trauma that he experienced is something that happened to him. And, he asserts that the trauma is not him. It is separate from his core being. He sums it up this way: Trauma conceals the authentic self.
Simon described his understanding of this distinction as more than an insight. It is an “infelt”—something deeply personal and internal. Embodied. Felt.
Extending the metaphor of the straightjacket a bit further, what can be done to unlock it?
- Ponder ways to reframe the mindset and description
- Work with a coach to explore questions that look at it from a new angle
- Sample additional metaphors to describe the experience
- Discuss the belief and describe the reasons that underpin it with someone trusted
- Evaluate the internal dialog/rationale as if it were something said by another person
(To explore the power of metaphor further, read the classic book The Metaphors We Live By, written by George Lakoff.)
Identify Who Holds the Key
A question comes to mind. Who holds the key to this lock? Society? The self? Powerful others like parents for instance? Of course, to a great extent it is the individual and yet it goes deeper than that. Is it the adult version or the child who lives within the person? How much freedom to “turn” the key does the individual have?
Consider Who Keeps the Lock in Place Now
Both Simon and Sharon who are adopted persons have mentioned that their inner dialog expressed a similar belief: that the fact their birth mothers didn’t keep them, proves she didn’t love them. This is a commonly held belief among adopted persons. They often extend this thought to infer that they aren’t loveable at all, not even by their adopted family. Even if their adopted family says it, lives it out in their actions, a niggling voice drones a message of rejection and unlovability.
Sharon says her feelings about being unwanted by her birth mother shifted as she matured and realized her full potential. She now understands “how meaningful and similar [their} lives are to each other.”
In our work we have coached many adoptees who struggle with this belief of being unlovable. A tension exists between their intellectual understanding of the causes leading to their adoption and the emotional, somatically-held experience that tells them they are responsible. It is their fault. The conflicting thoughts coexist, persist even though their inference is demonstrably inaccurate. Children do not cause adoption. How can this limiting belief be reworked and converted to a kinder, more compassionate message?
Exit The Bully Pulpit
Unfortunately, bullying is a familiar concept to us all. We are discomforted when we see a person being bullied and we recognize how damaging it can be. And yet… our inner dialog can often be as cruel, unmerited, and lacking in empathy as any bully. When pondering the complexity, grief and losses of being adopted, what is the basis of the message being played and replayed? Who is the author? How fully informed and accurate are the messages? What has been done to update the belief to incorporate an adult perspective and knowledge? How respectful is the language being used?
A good place to start is to choose not to bully ourselves. Pause for a moment to write down the actual words that compose the belief. in question Next, speak them aloud to another person. Imagine their response. Picture how your word choice and body language amplify or mitigate the message. Step into their shoes to feel the impact of the message. Evaluate the interaction. Did the conversation help them? Is it factual and true? Are you comfortable and pleased with what you said and how you said it?
If not, rework the message and your delivery of it. Then ask yourself these questions. Why it is okay to speak that way to yourself? What might happen if you speak to yourself in language that is respectful, accurate, empathetic, and appropriate. Choose to be your own best spokesperson. Encourage, acknowledge, and validate the truth of your experiences.
Consider What the Message Says about Others in the Triad
Once Simon learned that his birth/first mother went to great effort to gain “permission” to send him a teddy bear, it rewrote his script about her not loving and/or caring about him. List some facts that you know about your own situation. What impact does Simon’s story have on your interpretation of your experience?
Imagine being an Adoptive Parent Who received a Memento from Your Child’s Birth Parent
- What was the story you told yourself about it?
- Did you pass the gift on to your child?
- If not, why not?
- What did you tell your child?
- What did you tell yourself about the birth/first parent’s feelings?
- After listening to Simon’s story, how might you recalibrate your own?
Imagine Being a Birth Parent Who sent a Memento to Your Child
- How does Simon’s story reflect your own experience?
- What were you hoping the item would provide your child?
- What did it mean to you if you knew the item was given to your child?
- If it wasn’t and/or you don’t know if it was, how did it affect you?
Insight from a Birth Mother’s
Coach Kim Noeth who is a birth mother says, “In his interview, Simon Benn reminds us that trauma is not identity, and that the wound does not define the person. This insight holds real resonance for birth parents as well: the experience of surrendering a child, the grief of separation, the internal echoes of “I wasn’t enough” or “I lost my child” can lead to beliefs like I am broken, I am unworthy, or I am powerless.
Over time, these beliefs quietly anchor into the inner world of a birth parent, slipping beneath awareness and shaping how they see themselves and their story. Yet what Benn invites us to remember is that the trauma is something that happened to the person, not what or who they are. For a birth parent, that means the pain of relinquishment or the sorrow of loss may visit them—but it doesn’t have to be the lens through which they view their worth or their future…
When they can begin to distinguish the event from their essence, the possibility arises to treat those beliefs the way Benn suggests: not as truth, but as one part of a larger narrative. In doing so, the birth parent may begin to notice how they’ve been carrying self-judgements, how those “should have” or “if only” statements have whispered in their mind and shaped their behavior and emotional responses. By recognizing those beliefs, they open the door to a more gentle inner posture: I am more than what has happened to me; I am still significant, still whole, still deserving of compassion. And from this place, the healing of their self-beliefs becomes feasible—not to erase the trauma, but to live alongside it with resilience, agency, and hope.”
The Value of the TriSpective Approach
When we step into the shoes of other triad members, and imagine feeling their emotions, wrestling with the circumstances from their point of view, empathy grows. We begin to see them as human beings and it becomes far more difficult to treat them transactionally. And that is a very good thing.
( The TriSpective Approach is a way of looking at adoption from all three points of view—adoptee, birth/first parent, and adoptive parent— in a way that values, recognizes, and respects the emotional, physical, and psychological ties that link them together and understands that they each have unique experiences, struggles, and emotional fallout caused by adoption.)
Finding the Hidden Key to Unlock the Belief
This is a bit more complicated. The individual is in control yet circumstances and life experiences can conspire to block their awareness of and access to the key. As Simon related so eloquently in his conversation with our coaches, it can sometimes depend on another person’s involvement. This moment occurs when the individual is ready and receptive. When the timing is right, the effect can be dramatic.
How Can We Prime Ourselves to Be Open to Such Moments?
Have many conversations with trusted individuals and sometimes allow adoption to be a topic. Share your truth with them. Consider their feedback. Evaluate it for any perspectives that feel valid to you. Does it support your experience? Does it expand your perception of the experience? Consider how their perspective might help you to process your experience.
On the other hand, does it dismiss or invalidate your experience? If so, decide either to educate them or close the conversation. Be open to risking having the conversation with another person, someone who is more flexible and open-minded.
Revisit one belief that you currently hold that might be appropriate for a reevaluation or update.
