Building Adoptive Family Relationships that Last beyond Childhood

Adoption is often called a forever commitment. However, it’s important to acknowledge that a child’s link to their biological families is also forever. An adoption decree ends the legal ties to birth family. It cannot and does not end the emotional, psychological, and genealogical bonds between them. They too are forever.

**Yet, forever on paper is not always forever in reality.**

An adoption decree does not ensure bonding and continuity between an adoptee and their family. Forever is earned. It takes a TriSpective Approach and an intentional, ongoing, and unwavering recognition of adoption complexity. Adoptive parents commit to seeing, acknowledging, and addressing the differences between adoptive parenting and bio parenting.

Here is where a TriSpective Approach effectively supports adoptees and their parents—both birth and adoptive. Each is considered an intrinsic part of the whole. Strategies and decisions are made with this in mind.

Growing Intentional Families Together focuses on operating with a TriSpective Approach. It is a keystone to nurturing healthy, loving, and attuned adoption-based relationships. Adoption links family members in two clear ways: legally and emotionally. The TriSpective Approach helps foster authentic, respectful relationships that endure beyond childhood. These relationships are maintained by choice rather than from obligation or duty.

Parenting in light of the differences

Adoptive parents must recognize that their child experiences a lifelong duality. Adoptees have two families: an adoptive family and a birth family. They also suffer two traumatic losses: relinquishment and adoption. This matters!

Parenting from a TriSpective Approach acknowledges this reality. This lens provides a channel through which parents can see and address the consequences and unique needs that follow adoption.

Love, good intentions, and prototypical parenting techniques offer insufficient avenues to build bonds that endure beyond childhood. Adoption necessitates the more expansive TriSpective lens. It also considers how a situation, decision or action might impact or be viewed by the others in the adoption triad.

TriSpective—Adoptee Point of View

It is useful to consider an example. Schools are reopening now. Kids feel both excited and apprehensive about the new school year. They wonder (worry?) about friendships, academics. Who will be their teachers. Make the team? Fit in? Find friends? Be bullied? Be safe?

Adopted children have additional concerns not shared by non-adopted children. For example:

Will other kids tease me about being adopted?
Will I receive assignments that reveal my adopted status. I want to keep it private.
Do my birth parents think about me and wonder how I’m doing in school?
Would my adoptive parents be angry if they knew how often I think about my birthparents?
How can I get my adoptive parents to stop pushing me to pursue activities just because they did? I want to choose things that interest me.

TriSpective—Birth Parent Point of View

Benchmark events like the reopening of school bring their children to mind even more prominently. Birth parents don’t forget their children. They are a consistent presence in their minds and hearts. Coping with the grief of this separation is an ongoing process. A few school-related thoughts which birth parents might wrestle are:

Will my child be able to follow their natural talents and aptitudes, especially if they differ from their adoptive family’s traditions and patterns?
Might my child face any bullying or othering because they are adopted?
How receptive will my child’s adoptive parents be when they respond to questions they have about me and their adoption?
Will my child face the same academic success or challenges I did?
Will my child face the same social success or struggles I did?

TriSpective view—Adoptive Parent Point of View

How will my child’s adoption and thoughts about their birth family affect their schooling?
How will this focus affect their ability to concentrate on their studies?
How will having or not having contact with birth family affect them at school and at home?
How can we help our child have a positive school year?
How can we help our child discover their natural aptitudes and talents?

Assembling the pieces of the puzzle

These are only a few of the questions and concerns faced by adopted children and their parents. Whether one is an adoptee, a birth parent or an adoptive parent, some questions and concerns remain beyond their current field of vision and awareness.

Each person will likely hold differing degrees of awareness and ability to cope. But it can get you started thinking about life events from all three points of the adoption triad. Every event has repercussions on all. Each impacts the others in ways both major and minor. Sometimes the influence is felt in the moment. At other times, the impact might be delayed. It’s important to peek above siloed individual points of view to understand how our lives are interconnected. Then, identify their point of view and respond accordingly.

Some suggested action steps

Don’t assume that adoption is not on your child’s mind simply because they are silent.
Bring stuff up.
Be mindful of both your verbal and nonverbal signals. They reveal a lot!
Allow them to determine if the conversation will continue now. If not now, remember to mention it again later.
Ask open-ended questions about “adoption stuff.”
Drop conversation seeds.
I bet your adoptive parents are thinking about you starting another school year.
Connect the dots.
I’ve heard that some adopted kids often feel distracted at school by thoughts about their adoption and their birth parents. What do you think about that?
Close the loop.
Just like you, we think about your birth parents frequently. We know that they must be hoping you will have a good school year.
Reassure adoptees that thinking and wondering about their birth parents is normal.
Clearly affirm that you understand and want to hear what they are thinking.
Ensure that your family feels like a welcome and safe space for these conversations.
Explain the TriSpective Approach to them in very simple words. This will help normalize their thoughts and feelings. It will help convince them that you want to help them express and address their thoughts and feelings.