A Window into open adoption
In the minds of the general population, adoption is seen as the happy culmination of the hopeful parents’ dream of adopting a child. As if a magic wand erased all the struggle, pain, and trauma that adoption includes, it is celebrated without hesitation. The truth is that adoption is not a tidy Win/Win even in an open adoption.
The birth/first mother's experience
Little consideration is given to the agony experienced by the expectant mom who struggled through a pregnancy in crisis. Her efforts to find the essential resources that would enable her to parent often remain unseen, unacknowledged, and unappreciated. The emotional, psychological, and physical aftermath she endures remains off camera. Out of sight. Out of mind. Forgotten.
The child's experience
The child at the center of an adoption has no say or choice. Adults make this life shattering choice for them. Adoptees live with the consequences. Much of their struggles also remain behind the curtain, invisible to most people, invalidated, and unacknowledged. Legally truncated. When adult adoptees raise their voices and seek their roots they often receive tremendous pushback. They are accused of being ungrateful, whiny and hurtful to their adoptive parents.
Open adoption makes a difference
In many ways open adoption is an improvement over closed adoption. It eases some of the grief and loss. However, it does not eradicate the trauma of being separated from their first families. Issues of identity and belonging remain.
Open adoption occurs across a spectrum of openness and emotional connection, and of degree of contact. The threat of closing the adoption hangs heavily over the birth/first mother. The adoptive parents may feel a sense of rivalry towards the first mom. The adopted child may feel conflicted, pulled in two directions and struggle with how to balance their attachment and connection to their two families. Managing the logistics of an open adoption can be daunting. While in many ways it is better than the closed adoptions of the past, it is by no means a panacea.
Raising awareness
Since current consensus affirms the benefits of open over closed adoption, how can we overcome the mistaken idea that open adoption is the perfect cure for the hard parts of adoption that still happen? The grief. Loss. Identity issues. Shame. Rejection. Guilt. Intimacy issues. Need for control. And more. They still exist. Being able to see open adoption in real life helps to reveal the complexity, struggles, giggles and tears.
LOVE CHAOS KIN - a documentary
This film strove to present an accurate picture of what it means—in real life—to live in an open adoption. It provides a glimpse into the Lyer’s family’s lived experience as they navigate an open adoption. Documentary filmmaker Chithra Jeyaram followed the family for eight years. Through the eye of her camera, viewers glimpse multiple perspectives: the adoptees', the birth/first mother’s, the adoptive parents’, and their birth daughter’s. Each person experiences adoption in a uniquely personal way, both as individuals and as an interconnected group.
LOVE CHAOS KIN allows viewers to move beyond the abstract idea of adoption and to see those involved in an adoption as real people with feelings, vulnerabilities, dreams and struggles. Viewers can appreciate the commitment and determination it takes to live an open adoption for years. Through highs and lows, challenges and successes, rejection and welcome, open adoption is messy and yet it delivers some significant benefits over secrecy, isolation, and separation.
Viewing opportunities for the film
We invite you to sign up to participate in a free facilitated Q & A session with Growing Intentional Families Together to discuss the film and how it touched you.
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