I am confident that parents who adopt intend to be good parents and want their children to view their adoption as good not only during their childhood but also into their adult lives. Parents aspire to build relationships characterized by secure, healthy attachments, respect, and love. Yet, a paradoxical shadow occurs even when an adoptee describes their adoption as good, and even when they report feeling loved and supported by their adoptive parents. This is because of underlying uncomfortable truths about adoption: it is not totally benign. Nor is it totally positive. And love is not enough. It is only the beginning.
The “Adoption Paradox.”
Many things coexist, in adoption, for example, grief and loss, emotional complexity, identity challenges, rejection sensitivity and parental missteps to name just a few. These factors impact the way adopted persons, think and feel. They shape their beliefs, filter their experiences, and affect their mental health. So, in addition to benefits that accrue from adoption, clear challenges are also part of the equation.
That’s the “Adoption Paradox” that Jean Kelly Widner, adoptee and author, explores in her well-researched and highly informative book, “The Adoption Paradox: Putting Adoption in Perspective.” This book is not simply Jean’s personal perspective on adoption though. She interviewed over 100 people from all aspects of the adoption constellation. So, in addition to her own lived expertise, Jean heard and reported on a wide range of experiences and points of view. She observed some strong commonalities among all of these folks shaped by adoption. Let’s look at one of those factors.
The physiology of loss
Adoption impacts adoptees emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually and is experienced in the body in a way that Jean describes as the physiology of loss. This describes how feelings of grief and shame are expressed within the individual in their thought processes and their emotions. It is important to note that these factors create changes in their neurology and physiology. In other words, they are experienced and expressed in the adoptee’s body. The effects are not something that the child is making up or imagining. The impacts are tangible. Physical. Measurable. Observable. And, very, very real.
So, what can parents do?
First, they need to be sufficiently attuned to their child so that the parents actually do notice their child’s responses. Recognize and appreciate the many levels on which the experience is simultaneously being processed by the adoptee: in their mind, body, and spirit.
For example, if a child hears a shame-inducing comment about himself or even about adoption in general, their body might react with changes. These might be an an acceleration in heartrate, an influx of hormones (e.g., cortisol or adrenalin,) racing thoughts, agitation, feelings of dread, inability to concentrate. Fears of rejection and abandonment might quickly follow and sometimes can worsen into panic. Their thoughts and feelings are embodied physically in addition to being processed mentally.
As with all human behavior, repetition of these triggers increases the likelihood that the experience will intensify, and will become more and more automatic with each subsequent encounter. Parents can educate themselves, families, friends, and teachers about adoption to reduce the number of negative interactions that occur in the child’s life.
Blindsided by triggers
More often than not, triggers happen unexpectedly which means that adoptees have little or no opportunity to prepare themselves to face the trigger. It slams into them like a sucker punch. The impact is swift, startling, distressing, and disruptive. Each new experience recalls previous instances. The physical response becomes more tightly connected. The thought loop becomes more entrenched, and the negative belief system reinforced.
Parental responses
So, the second thing parents must do is witness, validate and support their child. Avoid minimizing or making excuses for people. Stand firmly in the child’s corner. Don’t race immediately to solution mode. Acknowledge the reality of their experience. Be open to a robust discussion of the adoptee’s full range of thoughts and feelings about adoption. Avoid burdening them with your pain. Process your own stuff with an appropriate professional so that it does not spill over into your relationship with your child. It is not their job to worry about your wounds
The TriSpective Approach
Jean’s empathy for each person in the adoption triad and adoption constellation naturally gives rise to an empathy and concern for all involved. She learned through many first-hand stories that the birth parents, adoptees and adoptive parents affect one another. We at Growing Intentional Families Together call that linkage, Tri-relational Interconnectivity. Everything we create is steeped in this concept. Our courses, materials, writing, and coaching reflect this TriSpective Approach. Adoption is a shared experience that connects us, shapes us, and leaves us irrevocably changed, especially the adopted person.
We highly recommend Jean’s book.
In conclusion, Jean said that the writing of The Paradox of Adoption changed her. I believe that the reading of it will change readers, especially those in the adoption constellation. By the way, you can watch the entire conversation shared by Jean and my colleagues, Kim Noeth, Sharon Butler-Obazee, and Sally Ankerfelt.
Reading Jean’s book is one way that you can expand your understanding of adoption complexity. What else will you do this week to help yourself become more Adoption Attuned? How will you use The TriSpective Approach to better support the adoption constellation?
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