It’s the time of year when decorative lights brighten our world and holiday music greets us everywhere. Adoption can add extra layers of challenge and emotions. Popular seasonal songs can also serve as a handy way to remember helpful tips for those living with adoption.
♫ Do You See What I See?
Regardless of one’s religious affiliation, most people are familiar with the Nativity story and how Mary and Joseph were told there was no room for them in the inn. They didn’t belong. A parallel might be drawn to adoptees who often struggle to find belonging within their adopted families, especially their extended adopted families.
♫ I’m Dreaming of a
The dream of belonging becomes reality when adoptive parents appreciate and accept who the adopted person genuinely is. This frees the adoptee from the need to fit the idealized expectations of an adopted parent’s fantasy child. Parental acceptance reduces the adoptee’s fear of rejection and abandonment. It also lessens their need to constantly prove that they are good enough for their family to keep them. (This drive to avert a second abandonment is often not conscious. Yet, it can still be profoundly motivating.)
♫ To Grandmother’s House We Go
Parents want to be alert for “othering” events made by extended family and friends. Consider this example. Aunt Sue, keeper of the family archives sets up a photo that includes only “real” family leaving your child sidelined. Feel the isolation, embarrassment, and shame. Clearly, it is imperative that we eliminate this “ othering”.
If you think there is a chance something like this might occur, be proactive. Discuss it with extended family and educate them on why that is not acceptable. Teach extended family ways they can help your child feel like family. Help them feel that they belong.
Friends can also cause similar pain when they ask awkward questions like “Do you have any real children as if adopted children are less than children born into a family. Such questions are particularly hurtful when overheard by adopted children. The negative impact worsens if parents never address the conversation with their child.
Birth families also have opportunities to make important, inclusive statements instead of othering statements. They choose inclusion and belonging when they reassure their placed child that it is okay for him to hold space for loving relationships with both the first parents and his adoptive family.
Birth families can also be on the receiving end of othering statements and interactions. Adoptive parents will want to remain aware of so they neither speak nor tolerate hurtful, othering remarks. This vigilant, TriSpective approach encourages belonging and respect for all in the adoption constellation.
♫ A Blue Christmas without You
During the holidays, parents can consider how much emphasis is placed on family traditions, reminiscing about past Christmases and remembering their distant or lost family and friends. Pause to step into the child’s perspective. They also miss absent family. Research proves that adoptees think about their birth parents and family even if they never speak their ruminations aloud.
Birth family is a permanent part of the adoptee physically, emotionally, psychologically, and historically. This is true even if birth parents are not physically present and connected. So, share conversations that mention these missing relations. Value these folks and these relationships because they are valuable to the child.
If there is no knowledge or information known about birth parents, find other ways to “presence” them, for example, write a letter, draw a picture, or create an ornament to hang on the tree. The aim is to help children find a was to acknowledge and honor their birth parents in a visible way.
Birth parents separated from their children miss them deeply especially at holiday times and other milestone events. Have compassion and empathy for their grief and their struggles. Imagine how first parents will treasure any pictures, letters, and cards their child makes for them. Sharing these items also shows first parents that you are holding a positive, respectful space for them in your family.
And, if birth parents write letters, send gifts, or other keepsakes, adoptive parents will want to be sure to give them to the child. (Of course, this is as long as they are age-appropriate and safe. If not, have a conversation that addresses the situation.)
♫ If Only in My Dreams
Ideally, every adopted child finds belonging, acceptance, love, validation, and inclusion in their adoptive families—for themselves and their first families. Be intentional about ensuring that happens. Seek ways to blend their first family traditions into the traditions you are creating now as an adoptive family.
One of the best holiday presents to give an adopted person is to build healthy, working, respectful relationships with their birth parents. Be inclusive. Transform the “no room at the inn” message to one that says “Welcome!” Set an intention to have good communication with birth/first parents and family, then make a plan and execute it. Commit to make it work not just during the holidays but for life. Set clear boundaries and expectations and give one another grace. For the sake of the child, be flexible whenever possible.
In situations where their birth parents are not known or there is no contact, talk about this absence. Ask your child what they are thinking and feeling. Invite them to consider the activities mentioned in this article to see which ones they would like to do.
♫ Do You Hear What I Hear?
Holidays can be deeply emotional, full of expectation, overloaded with stress, and emotionally volatile. So, stay alert for cues about children of feeling, seeing, and hearing. If they tell you Uncle Mike told them they are not “real” family, avoid minimizing, making excuses or denying it. Validate your child’s experiences. Be sure to address the incident with Uncle Mike! Decide how you will manage your future relationship with Uncle Mike to ensure that you protect your child from a repeat of such hurtful interactions.
The holidays strive to focus on peace, good will and faith. In reality, gifts take a huge amount of our attention, time and money. They serve as tangible evidence (proof!?) of our love and the recipient’s importance. Children can place huge emphasis on the presents they want. They draw inferences about themselves and how the gift giver values them based on the gifts they receive.
Imagine how an adopted child feels when Grandma gives treasured family heirlooms only her biological grandchildren but gives something newly purchased to your child. Avert such a disaster by talking about gift choices with your parents. Better to face the discomfort of an awkward conversation than to have your child experience the humiliation and rejection of a message that tells them they are not real family.
♫ Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Follow these simple tips
- Focus on activities that build connection
- Determine your goals for the holiday
- Set a reasonable budget for gifts and stick to it
- Pre-establish an “I need a break” signal that can be invoked during social gatherings
- Honor long-standing family traditions
- Develop and prioritize new family traditions that blend your child’s heritage and history
- Stay true to your family values
- Discuss and validate any sadness and longing for birth family
- Be curious about things that might trigger trauma memories from their pre-adopted life
- Honor your deeply held family values
- Have fun
- Preserve some down time
♫ Joy to the World
Joy is found by creating and giving it. Contribute to your community during the holiday as a family. Invite your children to choose a gift for a child in need and/or select food to give to the local food bank. Find ways for them to give their time, talent, and treasure.
Enjoy the holiday spirit. Find simple ways to have fun. Drive around to see the holiday lights while you enjoy a hot chocolate and some cookies. Use the TriSpective Approach to the holidays to build connection and strengthen your relationships and bring you joy.
What steps will you take to nurture belonging, goodwill and joy in your family?
