Coaching & Support Before, During, and After Adoption

Reflections on Mothers in Adoption: Balancing Relationships

by | May 14, 2014 | Blogs by Joann DiStefano

family circleMother’s Day is considered a time of celebration. Women are honored on that day by their children and feel blessed to have them in their lives. But, what about Birthmothers? Do they feel the same way? I know of many agencies that have a special day that they celebrate with birthmoms. However, it is generally not with the children that they have placed for adoption.

It is hard for these moms as well as for the children that they placed. Sometimes the children want to be involved with their birthmoms and sometimes they do not. If a child has been placed due to an addiction or a special need that has been inherited by them through the birthmother, seeing the birthmother may be too painful for the child, especially as they begin to understand what that can mean for them.

Even if the adopted parents want their children to have a relationship with their birthmother, the child may not agree. In that case, it is very difficult for the adopted parents to continue the relationship.

I know that I would have loved my child to have this relationship, and when he became an adult, he did want to meet his birthmother. However, after a few short months, he was not comfortable with continuing the relationship with her. Many of my child’s painful experiences were mirrored within his birthmother, and seeing her brought them to his consciousness and caused him anguish and a reoccurrence of some past negative behavior. My adult child decided to terminate the relationship.

That led to my conflict. I know that I feel very grateful for what she did for me. Every once in awhile I hear from her, especially at this time of year. I know, that without my son’s permission, I cannot pursue a relationship with her. However, I also know that I want to help her if I am able. At this time, I don’t know what that looks like. I do know that she is always in my heart. She gave me the best gift that anyone could ever give.

So, to all those birth mothers, who are not seen by their children, know that you are cherished and loved by many. –Joann DiStefano