Unlocking My Story: What I Learned When I Finally Asked for My Adoption Records
For years, I carried a question I didn’t know how to ask out loud. Who was I, before I became who I am now? As an adult adoptee, that question doesn’t just fade with time. It waits. And at one point in my young adult life, I finally decided to stop waiting and start asking.
I want to share that journey here, because I know I’m not the only adoptee who has stared at a records request form and felt both hope and fear in the same breath.
Starting the Process
I reached out to the Tennessee Department of Children’s Services, and I was paired with a case manager named Alexandra, someone who has spent over fifteen years in child welfare. She walked me through the process personally, and I quickly learned something I hadn’t expected: Tennessee is one of the more open states when it comes to letting adult adoptees access their own records. While this should not be a barrier for any adoptee seeking to know their story, I am relieved that this process was not difficult for me as it can be for so many.
The Emotional Part Nobody Warns You About
Here’s what I wish someone had told me sooner: requesting your records isn’t just a paperwork task. It’s an emotional one. Every adoptee’s journey is different, and you have to be prepared for the unexpected. Some birth families keep secrets. Some don’t. You don’t know which kind of story you’re walking into until you’re already inside it.
I had to ground myself before I even started: through prayer, faith, and whatever gave me strength, which was a strong will and belief in myself at the time. The one thing I wished I had more of then though was a community to share this with. I didn’t fully understand why that mattered until the records were in my hands. Once they’re open, no one can control how you process what’s inside them. Not the state, not the caseworker, not even you, really. You just must let yourself feel it. And to not go through that alone would have been nice.
What Advocacy Actually Looks Like
One thing that stayed with me was hearing Alexandra describe her role. People often assume social workers are the ones who remove children from homes, but that’s the court’s decision, not hers. Her job, as she described it, is to be present. Responsive. Sensitive. To walk alongside adoptees without judgment, and to make sure we never feel like a burden for wanting to know our own story.
That distinction mattered to me. I believe more professionals in the adoption industry could benefit from that approach in helping us piece together our stories. Many of us have experienced challenges, confusion, and so much loss in being adopted. Having someone who can empathize but advocate for our truth is essential. I wasn’t asking for anything I wasn’t owed. And yet the system is built in a way that makes so many of us wonder if we’re allowed to ask at all.
Turning My Story into Something Bigger
What surprised me most wasn’t the records themselves, but what happened afterward. I didn’t want to just close the file and move on. I found myself thinking about other adoptees, especially young men of color, who might be standing exactly where I once stood: unsure, unsupported, and unaware that this door was even open to them.
Alexandra told me that is what stood out to her most about our work together. That I didn’t stop at getting my own answers. I started thinking about how the process itself could be better for the adoptees who come after me.
If You’re an Adult Adoptee Considering This
If you’re sitting with that same question I carried for years, here’s what I’d tell you. Go in with courage and a plan. But know that plans can change and allow for flexibility but purpose to align you. Build your support system before you need it. Accept that there will be surprises, some painful and some clarifying, and know that both are part of the story, not a detour from it.
This isn’t just about the past. It’s about your identity, your growth, and honestly, how you move forward from here.
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