Remember when we were kids and we craved our parent’s attention? We’d call their names and plead for them to watch whatever we were doing: a cartwheel, an energetic dance or, perhaps leaping high into the air. It was as if, our actions lacked value until our parents observed them. We needed them to bear witness to our existence and to demonstrate through their attention that our efforts counted in their eyes.

This loop of attention requested and attention granted strengthened our relationship and encouraged us to persist. Parental attention is a valuable commodity in a child’s world. Passionately sought, our witness and responses have the power to shape children’s behavior, beliefs, and self-esteem. As parents, we direct these transactions now. We want to be mindful of the responsibility this places on our shoulders. Remember, we are building a relationship that will last a lifetime and will be healthy for them and us.

When our children seek our attention, praise, and evaluation, provide it with a compassionate heart. Remember they are on a steep learning curve of life. Our children have much growing and learning ahead of them. They need our encouragement far more than the best-intentioned criticism. Be their champion, their cheerleader that notices, appreciates, and validates their talents. As adoptive parents, it is especially important that we allow our children to grow into their best selves—the ones who arise from their DNA. We must encourage them and foster their growing skills and intellect. Most importantly, we must not force them into a box defined by our expectations. Children have tender hearts and spirits. Nurture them with care, kindness, and love.

Allow them the time to grow into themselves, to learn to manage their behavior, moods, relationships, and skills. At this stage, they are learning who they are and what they want to be. It is our job to nurture that maturation and growth. Adoptive parents face a unique challenge: distinguishing our fantasies for our children from the reality of the person whom they genuinely can and want to be. Adult adoptees advise, Let go of the me you wish we could be. Pay attention to and love the unique and very human me before you. 

Watch this video about a puppy destined to become a service dog. His trainer invests huge amounts of time and heart to make this result a reality. But puppy’s destiny … Raising children and raising dogs is not equivalent. This video; it’s a wonderful metaphor for parenting with love and acceptance.