Whether you are an adopted person, a parent by birth, adoption or fostering, or a coach that works with the adoption constellation, you probably appreciate the complexity that results from family fracture. You know how people can struggle to find secure footing and secure attachments. I believe you strive to make people feel safe and that you want them to speak their truth to you. You recognize that it is a privilege to be trusted in that way. An earned privilege.
If you could consistently build that kind of safe, welcoming and open space, how might your relationships improve? What would you be willing to do to ensure your loved one experienced you as a source of comfort, security, acceptance, and safety? What ingredients build that level of trust? We believe that it begins with listening.
Listening with mind, body, and heart
Experts assert that words convey only 7% of communication. The largest part of communication is transmitted nonverbally. It has been said 55% is conveyed through body language and 38% through tone of voice. So, we want to stay mindful not only of what we say but also, how we say it, as well as what our bodies are doing while we say it. This offers us a powerful way to connect and communicate.
Pause for a moment to imagine you wanted to share something really important. Picture that while your spouse, child, boss, or co-worker—who whoever, the listener is—while they listened, they rolled their eyes. Or they continued scrolling their phone? Or crossed their arms and looked off into the distance, foot tapping impatiently? Doesn’t exactly evoke a warm fuzzy feeling, does it? That non-verbal component is mighty powerful, right?
On the other hand, consider how it would feel if they stopped what they were doing, looked at you, and said in a calm, warm voice, I’m listening. Talk to me. And then they actually listened with an attentive body, mind, and heart, and without refutation, rebuttal, or making excuses. Then, in a further gesture of connection, they genuinely thanked you for sharing with them, for trusting them with your vulnerability.
Feel the difference… the validation, the generosity, the soothing comfort of feeling seen and heard. We have the power to create that difference, to be that difference. You have the power to create that difference, to be that difference, to create that level of rapport and connection.
By the way, listening doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing or condoning what is being shared. It just means that you took the time to actually listen to their point of view. Perhaps you were persuaded. Perhaps you were not. What you can gain is an insight to their needs, beliefs, desires, and motivations. And that is a good place to start.
Taking responsibility for our own “stuff”
Even though we are adults, we are still human beings, imperfect, unfinished and with our own baggage, needs, faults, insecurities, and triggers. If we avoid dealing with this baggage, the fallout will weigh on our children. Unresolved issues will complicate our relationships, distort our judgment, and shape our choices often negatively. To become the parents our children need—or to be the coach our clients need—we must address our personal baggage and be vigilantly aware of how this baggage might unwittingly factor into our relationships and our perceptions.
Listening and handling our own stuff helps create relationships that endure
When we create a partnership or build a family, we want it to last, hopefully for a life time. How can we accomplish that? We can stay mindful of this long-term goal for one thing. Be intentional about operating with an Adoption Attuned Parenting approach that focuses on authentic connection. Similarly, in coaching relationships operate with an Adoption Attuned coaching approach with clients.
I recently heard someone talking about the high incidence of estrangement between adult adoptees and their adoptive families. They asserted that this Adoption Attuned mindset is a wonderful strategy to help prevent estrangement. So, that’s another reason to make decisions and determine actions with this attuned, authentic perspective in mind. Avoid choosing short-term comfort over long-term benefits. Create space that invites and encourages conversations about the entire range of issues, feelings, gains, and losses, no matter how uncomfortable. It’s a necessary step to becoming the safe and open space that adoptees need and deserve. If they can’t find that space with us, they will find it elsewhere.
Imagine being in their shoes
Before we make decisions about anything adoption related, pause to imagine walking in their shoes. Ask ourselves, If I were an adoptee, what would I want my adoptive parents to say, share, do, or not do? Or, if I were a birth parent, how would I want my child’s adoptive family to speak about and interact with me?
Engage with a TriSpective Approach
After we have stepped into the adoptee’s shoes, the next step is to consider how the other individuals in the triad might be affected, what they might need, and how they might feel. This calls for a serious, in-depth look not just a passing thought. Some questions to ponder are:
- How am I intentionally creating an open and safe space for my children (or clients, or my child’s birth family)?
- How can I best support our relationship now and for the long-term?
- How might my own insecurities and fears be influencing my thoughts, words, and actions?
- How and what am I doing to address them?
- How might my own resources, skills and biases be coloring my expectations of what birth parents should be able to do or provide?
- How might I remind myself to consider my words in my mind so that I check for tone, content, and attitude?
- How will I remind myself to be conscious about my non-verbal contributions?
- How might I sit as an observer on a given circumstance, switching through the perspectives of each person involved to gather insight?
- What are the short-term challenges and the long-term consequences of this situation?
- How can I meet my child’s need for information age appropriately?
- How can I identify and address any biases that I might have toward other triad or constellation members?
By the way, Growing Intentional Families Together coaches had the pleasure of being told by our first cohort of Adoption Attuned coaches who graduated our training that the training was: Transformational…life changing…ensured an open and safe space where we were encouraged to discuss complex and challenging scenarios together. Obviously, we were quite moved by their feedback. We can attest that it is worth the effort, commitment, and skill building to create that kind of open and safe space for others, especially for those we love.
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Essentials of Adoption Attuned Parenting
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[1] UTPB.edu
