Families thrive on healthy leadership built on respect, positive modeling, and encouragement. What makes a parent a good leader? The Free On line dictionary defines a leader as one who is in charge or in command of others. But that kind of power-centered leadership coerces cooperation that tends to last only as long as there is supervision and enforcement. It breeds fear and sneakiness and dulls the innate thirst for learning.
An effective parent is a leader who influences and empowers everyone in the family through respect not intimidation. The family works as a team that values and grows the talents of all members. Parents model a willingness to be a beginner, to take on challenges and to struggle through to mastery. This creates a space where each person flourishes and persistence is encouraged. Children adopt the parental model of life-as-a-learning-conversation. Confident that their parents will encourage their efforts, kids become brave. Once the shame and fear of failure are eliminated, they become inspired by the adventure of learning.
Parents who nurture their families with a strong partnership of mutual support generate a balance in leadership. They establish family values that are clearly defined and actively lived. Like Robert’s Rules of Order, one makes a suggestion and the other “seconds” it. That united front creates stability that benefits the entire family.
We’ve highlighted two styles of leadership. One focuses on modeling respectful leadership. The other thrives on control. How do you act as a leader? How do you invite your children to grow and practice being leaders?
I admit that some of my years as a parent I worked the “in control” or ” I am in charge” model pretty good! Of course, control or being in charge is an illusion and more importantly, it doesn’t make parenting any more fun or effective!
A few ways our family incorporates the respectful partnership model of parenting?
1. We focusing on what choices are available — modeling for our kids and having them practice it every chance they get. I think we foster hope and courage when we understand that choice is the power to create what we want in our life.
2. We debrief neutrally — when we look at our results without blaming or stirring up negativity — we can see what we might do differently next time. This makes it easier to try again.
3. We celebrate the interests, talents, and achievements of each family member. The adventure of learning, of life is sweeter when shared with each other.
Living our lives together as part of the David family team continues to give us energy, purpose and commitment to one another.
As a recovering perfectionist, I really struggled to see it was okay to make mistakes with our children and letting them see my mistakes. As I learned to be okay with my mistakes, my children could be more comfortable in making their mistakes and not feel they have to be perfect.
From my experience, parenting is a combination of being in charge and giving some control to our children by offering choices and asking for input. There is safety in having a confident parent that will “hold the line” when necessary. At the same time, their is confidence-building in having a parent that trusts the child to make his or her own decisions. The trick for me is knowing when to be more in control and when not to hold the reins too tightly.