Parenting has an evolutionary endpoint: at some point, our children will leave the family nest and fly out into the world to carve their path in life. Even as we change diapers, read bedtime stories, or tuck them in, we know someday, they’ll be on their own. When that time comes we want them to be ready. How do we prepare them for this independence? Strong family values provide them with a secure foundation. They’ll need confidence, competence and courage. Confidence grows from competence. Competence emerges from practice. We know directly from personal experience that these emerge only through persistence and the ability to learn through failure. We also recognize that it takes courage to learn anything new.
With this awareness in mind, we want to help our kids experience life as a learning conversation, to survive the process. They’ll need to develop a strong sense of resilience. No one begins as an expert, so they must be willing to try new things and keep on trying until mastery is achieved. Encourage their persistence by setting an example. Let them see how you handle the rocky, uphill road to success. Share your strategies for coping through the hard times.
Most importantly, when they struggle or falter, be supportive. Be their cheerleader; let them know you believe in them. Be their confidante; listen to their struggles and allow them to figure out the solution. Be a resource: offer help only after they request it. (Language counts here. Ask if they want help instead of asking if they need help. “Want” reinforces their sense of agency and self-determination. “Need” reinforces their lack of sufficient capability; over time this mindset can lead to a sense of learned, chronic helplessness. Be a coach; Stay mindful of the distinction between critique and criticism and always wait for their invitation to offer your perspective.
Take note of their effort and highlight their incremental progress. Connect to your Family Values, e.g., In our family …
We respect hard work.
We recognize success doesn’t just happen; it takes effort and time.
We keep trying.
We learn through trial and error.
It’s okay to ask for help.
We value teamwork and persistence.
No goal is worth sacrificing your integrity.
Of course, we hope to raise children who are happy, healthy and, successful. each family envisions a unique version of success. Keep in mind we spend most of our time pursuing a goal than in achieving them. How do we treat others and ourselves as we advance toward success? Remember to nurture their spirits. Value relationships more than being “right” or successful. Make time for joy. Long after we are gone, our words will linger in their minds; speak with compassion, respect, and love.
