Attunement Ensures It Is Safe to Love

Readers of this blog know that I care for my three-year-old grandson three days a week. This is both a privilege and a joy. Trained as a teacher and honed by adoptive parenthood, I am also fascinated at the difference between parenting children with trauma histories and parenting this little cherub who has known only consistency, stability and love from all the adults in his life. His sense of trust has never been broken and he, therefore, views life through a lens of secure trust. He believes the world is safe and welcoming. He knows that adults are safe, reliable, supportive, encouraging, and loving. Attunement has repeatedly provided him successful “serve and return” relationship reciprocity that nurtures secure attachment.

I observe a palpable difference between his life experience and that of my own children and others who had experienced trauma, and therefore, had authentic reason to be vigilant and skeptical about the world. They knew from direct experience that their lives could be upended suddenly, that everyone and everything familiar can disappear in a flash. They wanted to inhabit a world that was steady, safe, reliable, consistent, secure, and managed by trustworthy adults.

Trauma histories have an impact on children’s worldview and influence their mental and physical health. This does not mean that children with trauma histories are doomed; They simply need parents and caretakers who understand the need for attunement, patience, presence, empathy, consistency, and therapeutic parenting. Remember, their life experience created a “blueprint that was imprinted by terror.” From the very understandable logic built on their personal history, learning to trust, DARING to trust is an act of incredible bravery.[1]

A foundational principle of GIFT Family Services’ approach to parenting is Adoption-attunement. AQ incorporates a level of intentionality and understanding that significantly benefits adopted children and their families. It is a concept about which we have written frequently. Our choice of “Attunement”–with a capital “A”–reflects a deep awareness of the powerful way attunement operates in human beings. Famed neurobiologist, Dr. Dan Siegel asserts that “Attunement is not a luxury; it is a requirement of the individual to survive and thrive.” [2]

Dr. Steven Porges further clarifies that attunement builds a context of safety that frees people to “love without fear.” As Intentional parents we most certainly want our children to feel safe and secure enough to “love without fear”, [3] to feel safe enough to open themselves to the joy and vulnerability of connection. My grandson demonstrates this ease in his habit of occasionally pausing in the middle of his play to spontaneously plop himself in my lap and announce, “I need a hug.”

Cue the moist eyes. Obviously, I melt and hug him with joy and deep love. Every time he does this I think, Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we felt confident and secure enough in all our relationships to let people know we need a moment of connection and affection? This only occurs in a context of profound trust because it exposes both one’s own raw need, and it makes one vulnerable to rejection. It also exposes one to the other person’s possibly taking advantage of their invitation to respond to the expressed need. Those who know us best, who know our trigger points and sore points, who know our fears and worries have the potential to use them against us. That is why the degree of trust for this level of intimacy is huge and rare.

How many times have you experienced the need for a hug or an empathetic ear? How often did you feel secure enough to act on that need and request connection with another person? What enabled you to muster the courage?

On the other hand, if you stifled the need, and stoically stuffed your emotional needs, what prevented you? How did this emotional shutdown feel?

How might your life change if you WERE able to reshape your relationships so attunement COULD happen? What would be the first step and how soon will you take it?

How are we building this level of trust within our families? With our partners? How are we modeling the willingness to be vulnerable as well as the careful way we respond to such overtures to connection as the sacred trust they actually represent? Trust, connection and attunement are fragile and take time to build. They are also easily damaged, so we must marshal great vigilance and commitment to attunement–especially that specialized level of adoption-attunement which understands the complexity of factors that adoption imposes on families built by adoption.