Episode 27 of our vlog/podcast focused on the unique aspects and responsibilities of adoptive parenting. (Click this link to listen to the entire conversation.) The conversation began with a clip from Jean Kelly Widner, author of The Adoption Paradox. Jean’s description of adoptive parenting really struck me as a key truth. She said,[Adoptive parenting] isn’t going to be quite the same as [raising a birth child]. And anybody who tells you that is lying to you.
Wow! That’s a significant claim and as Adoption Attuned coaches we affirm this fact based on our lived expertise and our professional training. We believe that anyone considering adoption or actively parenting an adopted child must recognize this reality so that their child’s needs are met. This reality check is the starting point of competent adoptive parenting. Many folks might assert that the starting point is love. However, before love grows, before a child joins a family, something else is necessary—a deep commitment to become thoroughly informed and prepared. This awareness and education lay the groundwork for the seeds of love to grow.
Adoptive parenting is unique
Before the adoptive family comes together, a trauma occurs. The first family relationship is necessarily fractured. Thus begins the fundamental duality of adoption-based relationships. Separation and connection. Loss and Gain. Nature and nurture. Questions and answers. These are all permanently part of life for the adoption triad.
Traditionally, adoptive parents have been encouraged by society to believe that parenting an adopted child is exactly like parenting one’s biological child. This presupposition walks hand in hand with the belief that adoption offers a completely benign solution that solves three person’s problems simultaneously. How marvelous? Not really. The truth is markedly more arduous and personally costly.
Once an adoptive family is formed
Birth mothers and adoptees must learn how to face, cope with the aftermath of relinquishment and adoption. Most adoptive parents must address infertility issues. All adoptive parents must deal with the reality of parenting a child to whom one is not biologically connected. So, too, does the adoptee. This lack of biological linkage remains no matter how well-intended adoptive parents are or how much they love their adopted child.
A TriSpective view
Each person in the triad has wounds, fears, and questions. Each must decide to come to terms with these challenges. The approaches, time lines and effectiveness of this reckoning are unique to each triad member. The important truth to accept is that no one remains unscathed.
When the rose-colored glasses come off, what truths reveal themselves? How does this revelation benefit not only adoptees, but also birth parents, and adoptive parents?
Benefits of breaking out of the fairy tale illusion
When an adoptive family openly acknowledges adoption realities and parents become educated on the unique needs of an adoptive family, they become High AQ families*. Relationships grow in authenticity. Masks can fall away. Many unintended miscues and relationship breaks can be avoided. The seeds of love grow.
High AQ* parents recognize the importance of standing with their children as they process the challenges of adoption. But, when such conversations do not occur, children shoulder their fears, concerns, questions, and yearnings alone. They then struggle without the support of the parents who should be their secure place of safety, acceptance, and empathy.
Adoption Attuned parents deal with reality instead of wishful thinking
Conversations about adoption become something valued instead of something forbidden, avoided, or banned. Needs can be revealed, addressed, and healed. Adoptive parents handle their personal baggage so that they don’t damage the parent-child relationship. Parents then can draw on essential Adoption Attuned education to equip themselves with the information, skills, language, and confidence to meet their child’s needs.
Armed with this understanding and preparation, parents will recognize the importance of encouraging and facilitating adoption conversations with their child. The entire family benefits and bonds strengthen.
Pain, loss, and grief weigh on all of the triad
This is a reality that challenges them all. It is a burden they carry individually as well as collectively. Adoption factors into all of their lives and throughout their lives.
The cost of adoption for birth/first mothers
Birth mothers carry a heavy weight. They are counseled that adoption is what’s best for their child. Then, society typically judges them for making that decision. The choice is irrevocable and it haunts them.
Birth mothers do not forget their child nor do their “interrupted” lives continue as if gestating, birthing, and relinquishing their child was just a hiccup in their lives. What helps them survive and hopefully, to thrive?
- Knowing how their child fares
- Being in an open adoption relationship
- Participating in a genuine, respectful relationship with the adoptive parents
- Building a connected relationship with their child
- Accessing quality counseling
The cost to adoptees
Adoptees do not seamlessly “merge” into their adopted families. Regardless of how much they are loved by their adoptive families, living as an adoptee without the usual familial biological connection is complex and can be challenging for adoptees. Costs experienced by adoptees include:
- Fracture of their attachment bonds with their birth mother
- Lack of genetic mirroring
- Interruption of their generational continuity
- Weakened connection to their culture and heritage
- Possible loss of their first language, culture, and country
- Psychological impact of relinquishment
- Loss of security due to loss of their first family
- Identity issues
- Increased risk of suicide
- Sense of unrootedness
- Yearning for belonging
That’s an extensive list, isn’t it? So, what helps them survive and hopefully, to thrive? Many of the same factors that help birth/first mothers also help adoptees.
- Knowing how their birth parents fare
- Being in an open adoption relationship
- Sharing a connected relationship with their birth parents
- Engaging in conversations that provide information of their ancestral legacy
- Receiving age-appropriate facts about why adoption occurred for them
- Feeling valued and “seen” by their birth parents… and their adoptive parents
The cost to adoptive parents
Prospective parents need to develop awareness, intention, education, empathy, and determination before they commit to becoming parents through adoption. The happiness, health and mental peace of the entire family balances on this foundation of Adoption Attuned education and understanding.
Much of the cost for most adoptive parents predates the adoption. The agony of infertility cuts deep, affects identity, mental health, can strain marital relationships, and complicate the attachment process. It also impacts financial resources and savings.
Even adoptive families who are not affected by infertility experience the same losses common to all adoptive parents, for example, the loss of biological connection; the interruption of generational continuity; the absence of physical mirroring; a lack of common interests, traits, and aptitudes. While these are not insurmountable obstacles, they still cause breaks and barriers that need to be managed.
What helps adoptive parents?
- Feeling secure in their parenting connection with their child
- Having a healthy, respectful relationship with their child’s birth mother/father/family
- Appreciating their child’s differences as much as their commonalities
- Understanding adoption realities like the Seven Core Issues
- Intentionally attuning to their child’s needs, especially those arising from adoption
- Facilitating open and honest communication about adoption complexity
Importance of acknowledging the challenges, grief and losses that adoption causes
It is human nature to dismiss negative information that “rains on our parade.” For generations adoptive parents have embraced adoption with joy, gratitude, and optimism. When negative information crosses their path, it is easy to dismiss. They have confidence that they have the skill sets, knowledge and determination to avoid any of the suggested difficulties. Those bad things won’t happen to our kids, our family. Unfortunately, all too often adoptive parents are not adequately prepared.
Reality reveals a different story, a sadder story. Adoption causes trauma for adoptees and birth parents. According to the research of Lynn Zubov, PhD, adoptees attempt suicide at 35 times the rate of non-adoptees. For birth mothers the statistic is even worse. They attempt suicide at 37 times more than women who parent the children that they birth. These are heartbreaking statistics. AND, the important thing to remember is that this data represents people not mere numbers. Some folks are questioning the neutrality of Dr. Zubov’s participants, however, what is certain is that suicidality is higher for adoptees and birth mothers.
This is why it is imperative that we acknowledge, address, and manage the complexities and challenges of adoption. We cannot sweep this information under the rug. People’s lives depend on it.
In addition to being more honest about adoption realities, we must recognize that adoption is not a totally benign solution. Thus, we must work to eliminate the factors that cause adoptions to be necessary. When we commit to genuinely work for the best interests of the child, we accept the importance of reducing the number of adoptions so that fewer children and parents experience the trauma of family fracture in the first place.
When adoption is necessary, we want to be engaged with eyes, hearts and minds wide open. Deal with the issues head on, with compassion and honesty. Recognize the unique needs of the triad. Commit to living with a TriSpective Approach. Love the children enough to deal with the realities and complexities.
*High AQ Parents: All healthy parents care about and attend to their children’s academic and emotional needs. That is a given. Parents must cultivate two intelligences: Academic Intelligence (IQ), Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Adoptive parents are called to grow a third intelligence—Adoption Attuned Intelligence (AQ ) This is unique to adoptive families and requires an additional level of education to master parenting infused with adoption-sensitivity. When parents achieve a high level of awareness and commitment to Adoption Attunement, they live as High AQ parents! Read more Part 1 and Part 2
