Written by Growing Intentional Families Together Coaches

ABC, Adoption & Me (REVISED & REILLUSTRATED The original version of this book launched in 2013. It earned many awards and adoptive families reported that it genuinely helped them explore and discuss adoption with their little children, in a way that kids felt supported and that also deepened their connection. Using the familiar framework of an alphabet book, it introduces a range of adoption-connected concepts, from the very simple such as “B is for bellybutton. Everyone has one.” to “R is for real. My birth parents and my adoptive parents are all real. I’m a real kid and we are a real family.”
ABC, Adoption & Me (REVISED & REILLUSTRATED) allows parents to plant seeds of understanding which they can expand over the years in age-appropriate ways. This revised version reflects the latest in the professional understanding of adoption complexity, the challenges of young adoptees, and the conversations and strategies that draw families in support of one another. Wesley Blauvelt’s evocative illustrations are compelling. The illustrations in this revised version of ABC reflect a more nuanced emotional tone and better capture adoption complexity. We hope you agree! Includes a Parent Guide. 

We’re Adopted, So What? Teens Tell It Like It Is
Kids need to see themselves in the books they read. We’re Adopted, So What? tells the story of a diverse group of girls and the complex emotions and thoughts that often come with being adopted. Aimed at middle-schoolers, it strives to help adoptees grapple with and discuss their adoption-connected thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Includes pages where readers can record their own thoughts.

Reimagining Adoption: What Adoptees Seek from Families and Faith by Sally Ankerfelt, M. Div., and Gayle H. Swift, CPC

This book aligns personal experience, trauma research, expert insights, and adoptee interviews into adoption-attuned strategies that support adoptees and their families. They infuse this knowledge into a reimagining of adoption practice inside and outside the church.
The book is intended for anyone who is interested in understanding adoption through the lens of faith as well as how congregations can grow in support of adoptees and their families. Adoptee interviews form the basis of the book. They revealed how their faith has been challenged because of what people in their congregations and some family members have told them. Reimagining Adoption is a resource both practical and aspirational. It understands the history as well as the current needs of adoptees and their families. 

Additional Authors and Titles

Who’s in My Family

Families come in all shades and groupings—bio families, stepfamilies, foster families, and adopted families. Who’s in My Family: All about Our Families by Robie H. Harris and illustrated by Nadine Bernard Westcott presents a wide array of family constellations. Most readers will be able to spot their own family reflected in the range depicted in the illustrations. The multicultural illustrations depict families as they participate in several activities: eating, exercising, visiting the zoo, etc. While the variety of families is richly depicted, the unifying thread of the story is that families enjoy spending time together and love each other regardless of how alike or similar they look.

Personal Space Camp

One excellent resource is a marvelous book by Julia Cook titled, “Personal Space Camp.”With a deft sense of humor and zany illustrations by Carrie Hartman, this book tackles the complicated concept of personal space. Louis, the confused main character loves the world of outer space. But when it comes to personal boundaries, Louis is clueless. His frustrated teacher arranges for him to attend “Personal Space Camp.” This thrills Louis. He is surprised to learn that he will not be an astronaut exploring. Louis is, however, entering unexplored territory: the world of personal space boundaries. “Personal Space Camp” is entertaining and informative without being preachy. It conveys important information that will assist kids that lack an understanding of social cues.

I Can’t Believe You Said That

Julia Cook has written several other books that delve into the confusing world of social cues and interaction. One that is also quite helpful is,“I Can’t Believe You Said That.” (Illustrated by Kelsey De Weerd, it features multicultural characters.) The story helps kids discern the difference between saying something true: ”You are fat,” versus something that is appropriate: “You are a good cook.”

Lullaby

What greater blessing than that of a mother’s love? It is exquisitely depicted in the book, Lullaby (for a Black Mother.) Based on the Langston Hughes poem, it is illustrated by Sean Qualls in acrylic, pencil, and collage.
This lovely book beautifully captures the intimacy of a bedtime ritual. The text is melodious, soothing, and accompanied by pictures in the perfect palette of soft hues of blues, purples, and aqua. When I view the book’s universal theme of mother/child connection through the lens of adoption-attunement, what do I notice? Read more

In Our Mother’s House

As an adoptive parent, an adoption coach, and a writer on adoption issues, I found In Our Mother’s House by renowned author, illustrator Patricia Polacco exceptional. As is probably obvious from the title, the story focuses on a/n (adoptive) family with two mothers. Readers searching for stories that include LGBTQ families will appreciate this upbeat and poignant tale. Read more

And Tango Makes Three

And Tango Makes Three is a charming book that presents a sweet story of “family as different” but still very much a family. On the flyleaf of the book is this quote: “In the zoo, there are all kinds of animal families. But Tango’s family is not like any of the others. Tango has two dads. Read more

Jack & Emma’s Adoption Journey

Jack & Emma’s Adoption Journey speaks about adoption through the adoptee’s personal lens. It is a short yet powerful book. Written by an adult adoptee, the story focuses on the thoughts and feelings of Jack and Emma. The text on each page is accompanied by an author’s note addressed to the adoptive parent. 

A Place in My Heart

Mary Grossnickle’s sweet story, “A Place in My Heart, is one great example of a story that validates the adopted child’s point of view. Charlie–a chipmunk adopted into a family of squirrels wrestles with the differences in their appearance. Adoptees commonly feel like they don’t quite fit so they will easily identify with Charlie’s struggle. Read more

Three Names of Me

Tells the story of a little girl who was adopted from China who has three names: “My first name was whispered to me by my first mother; when I was born; it’s someplace in my heart.” Even though the child is unable to recall it, she finds comfort in the belief that her first mother called her by a name, one that is no longer part of conscious memory but it still part of her history. Further along her timeline, at her orphanage, she was given the name Wang Bin which means “gentle and refined.” The child experiences a sense of being seen as an individual worthy of a name that captures who she is. This affirms her dignity, acknowledges her journey through to adoption, and is a treasured part of her. Finally, from her adoptive parents, she receives her third name: Ada, a phoneme of the Chinese Ai da which means “love arrived.” Three names of Me is a heartfelt tale of tradition, identity, and history.

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge – An essential book in the adoptive family’s library. Written by an adoptee, it provides a broad sweep of the issues adoptees face. With this awareness parents can provide the emotional context their children need to develop healthy attachments and to reconcile the challenges of being adopted. It is never too early or too late to read this book. A gem.

The Adoptive & Foster Parent Guide

The Adoptive & Foster Parent Guide: How to Heal Your Child’s Trauma and Loss by Carol Lozier, LCSW The book is written in a straight-forward style that is practical and easy to understand. Because it is compact, overwhelmed parents can read it quickly and put the suggestions to work immediately.
Carol writes in a manner that is informative, compassionate, and encouraging. She understands that adoptive parenting is different from bio-parenting and requires adoption-appropriate techniques. She shares tools that parents can use to educate themselves, family and friends. This helps to create a team that supports the family instead of critics who sit in judgment. Carol Lozier’s book is practical and insightful.

Adopting the Hurt Child

Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families with Special-Needs Kids A Guide for Parents and Professionals by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky; 1995 by Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky; Pinon Press – For those who have adopted special needs children, this book is helpful in its realistic portrayal of the challenges and also the hope and opportunity in parenting children who have been hurt. I appreciated the vingettes interspersed throughout the book that helped illustrate the concepts that Keck and Kupecky were discussing. This book also includes a chapter on intercountry adoption, which we found helpful.

I Choose

Children enjoy being able to decide things for themselves. As parents we often make the bulk of the decisions in our children’s lives. Most of us Tragically, suicidality is one of those heart-braking realities of adoption.his book takes provides an insight into the personal stories of those who struggle with suicidality understand that decision making is a skill. Like all skills, mastery only comes through practice. Long before kids become proficient decision makers, they will plod through many errors in judgment. As parents, we face a learning curve too–when is it “safe” for kids to

make a choice and when must the decision fall on our shoulders?     

 Adoption and Suicidality: An Anthology of Stories, Poems, and Resources for Adoptees, Families, Healthcare Professionals, and Allies Tragically, suicidality is one of those heart-breaking realities of adoption. Through personal stories of those who struggle with suicidality, this book provides insight into the feelings, forces, and thoughts of those who struggle with suicidality

Adoption and the Jewish Family

Adoption & the Jewish Family by Shelley Krapnek Rosenberg –
This book addresses some of the unique issues that Jewish families face when adopting. 

Adoption Unfiltered is a ground-breaking book that examines adoption from the lived experience of an adult adoptee, a birth mother, and an adoptive                                           mother. Poignant, eye-opening, and a must-read for all shaped by adoption.

Anger: How To Live With And Without It

Anger: How To Live With And Without It by Albert Ellis, 1977 by Reader’s Digest Press and Thomas Crowell Company – Though this is not directly a book about adoption, it has helped me greatly in my response to not only my children but all people in my life. Anger is partly a learned response. Learning and discerning when and how to be angry can improve relationships greatly, especially when we may have children who come with a great deal of anger over past hurts. I highly recommend this “oldie but goody.”

Being Adopted

by David Brodzinsky Ph. D., Marshall D. Schechter M.D. And Robin Marantz Henig – This book covers all stages of development, infancy through adulthood, of the adoptee. The authors use stories from their patients and surveys to illustrate the 6 major themes of their book; life from the adoptees perspective, how the adoptee feels about being adopted changes throughout their developmental stages, giving the adoptee a sense of normal, creating individuality as there is no right way to experience adoption, search for self when a part of them has been cut out of their life and the adoptees sense of loss. I appreciated how the authors tied the scientific evidence to life through the adoptees experiences.

The Blessing of a B Minus: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers by Wendy Mogel – Similar in nature and follow up to Wendy Mogel’s first book and looks at the blessings of raising teens and some of the issues today’s parents face and practical advice for dealing with them. Although rooted in Jewish precepts, I agree that Mogel’s compassion and authenticity will ring true with parents of all faiths facing the tumultuous teen years.”

The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children by Wendy Mogel – Although not particularly about adoption, this book is a guide to parenting and supports a coaching model in that we cannot, nor should we save our children from experiences from which they can grow to be self-reliant, compassionate and ethical children. Draws on the wisdom of the Torah, the Talmud, and other Jewish teachings and employs the framework of nine “blessings” to address key parenting issues such as respect for adults, chores, keeping expectations in line with your child’s temperament, avoiding over scheduling and overindulgence, and more.

Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children by Daniel A. Hughes – Looks at, through the experience of one child how attachment can occur, even at a later date in a child’s life. Attachment only worked by using a technique called “The Attitude” (its five qualities include being accepted, curious, empathetic, loving and playful) and by creating strong boundaries.

 The Connected Child

The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adopted Family A brilliant book filled with strategies to assist adoptive families. Dr. Karen Purvis is the Director of the Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University (TCU) in Fort Worth, Texas. Her work focuses on building and strengthening relationships.

The Eye of Adoption

by Jody Dyer Jody Cantrell Dyer writes from the heart with integrity, honesty, humor, compassion, and a commitment to guide others who wait for “their” child to arrive through private agency adoption. She offers her experience as encouragement as they too, work through the arduous pre-adoptive process. When adopting, a baby doesn’t arrive after a nine-month wait; sometimes the matching process takes many years.
Jody’s story gives an inside view of how one person successfully navigated the journey. She and Kerri created an open adoption that works for them. It acknowledged the grief and loss of all parties—Kerri’s, Bryant, and their extended families—and continues an ongoing relationship.
Dyer understands that adoption must be focused on finding the best family for a child versus finding a child for hopeful parents.  

How It Feels to Be Adopted

How It Feels to Be Adopted
by Jill Krementz, 1982 by Jill Krementz; Alfred Knopf, Inc. – This book is smaller than Sacred Connections but similar in its structure of telling the stories of adoption, this time exclusively from the children’s viewpoints, ages ranging from eight to sixteen years old and from various backgrounds. It’s an honest book that provides great conversation starters for children as well as letting them know they are not alone in the adoption experience.

In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends
by Elizabeth O’Toole

Let’s Talk About It: Adoption (Mr. Rogers)
by Fred Rogers (“Mr. Rogers”); 1994 by Family Communications Inc.; Penguin Putnam Books for Young Readers – Mr. Rogers of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood does an excellent job of describing adoption, giving equal weight to the need of the child and the need of adults to be parents. The pictures are diverse, offering different ethnic backgrounds of both the child and the parents. It’s an easy, short read and a great book for children of pre-school and grade school ages. Our kids had us read it together over and over again.

No Matter What by Sally Donovan Yes, love heals but parenting kids with trauma/neglect histories, requires so much more. Immerse yourself in this story of the fierce love of this adoptive family. Understand the day to day challenges as these children learn to deal with and heal from their past. Cheer on these parents as they are called on to muster every ounce of patience, determination, and hope while they discover what their kids need emotionally, academically, and socially and then work to provide it. Experience the heroism of both kids and parents who must confront the aftermath of abuse, learn to cope with and channel the anger, shame, and grief. This story will break your heart wide open, expand your understanding of the life-long impact of abuse and neglect and educate you on how to be a better, friend, teacher, family member, and perhaps call you to rise to the challenge of parenting kids with “tough starts.” At the very least, it will open your eyes and hearts and draw you in to view adoptive families with more empathy and less judgment. This is not a happily-ever-after tale but a true portrait of what it takes as a family to overcome such a disastrous beginning and to triumph.

One for the Murphys by Lynda Mullaly Hunt

Get ready for a rollicking ride on an emotional roller coaster. One for the Murphys by Lynda Mullaly Hunt will make you laugh and weep as you follow Carly Conner’s journey through foster care. She’s a sassy, resilient survivor shaped by her single mom’s inconsistent parenting. Carly never knows what to expect: her mom’s whacked-out version of nurturing or neglect. When a violent stepdad enters the picture, home life deteriorates from inadequate to life-threatening.
Carly enters foster care with the Murphys. Life becomes more complicated than ever as Carly experiences what it feels like to have a mom that knows how to love unconditionally and who enjoys caring for her children. The contrast between her two families becomes apparent to Carly. Now that she’s experienced a calm, loving family home, she wants that for herself too. Carly must face a gut-wrenching decision—deciding whose daughter she wants to be.
In Carly, Lynda Mullaly Hunt has created an unforgettable character that will grab your heart and leave an indelible mark on your memory. A truly exceptional read.

The Open-hearted Way to Open Adoption

This excellent book overflows with practical suggestions for how to navigate open adoption. It offers ideas for all members of the triad because the three are inextricably connected. The greatest value of The Open-hearted Way to Open Adoption is the philosophical assumption that underpins the book: the child’s best interest is the foundational premise. The foremost criteria must to be child-focused and to recognize the distinctioin between contact and openness.

The Open-hearted Way to Open Adoption is a positive and inspiring book that will touch your heart as well as provide you with persuasive, practical, and useful ideas. I am an adoption coach and a mom of now-adult children who came to us in the 1980s through closed adoptions. My children have reconnected with their birth mothers and I have seen first-hand the beneficial impact this reunion has brought all of us but most especially my children and their birth mothers. Lori points out that she takes her children to various professionals who can provide services that she cannot: physician, dentist, therapist, etc. She writes, “I can’t fill a certain emotional need that Tessa has, but I can take her to the well.” (Tessa’s birth mother, Crystal) That is love and that is parenting with a child’s best interest at heart. I would assert that no adoptive parent wants to leave their children unsupported as they process difficult parts of the adoption experience.
Open adoption is not easy nor is it perfect, but it is far better than the old secrecy-based closed adoptions. The greatest ingredient to success is a heart-connected attitude. This book offers a welcome, worthwhile resource for parents who are embarking on the adventure of open adoption parenting. As Lori writes, “Open adoption is a journey rather than a destination.”

Parenting Adopted Adolescents

Parenting Adopted Adolescents: Understanding and Appreciating Their Journeys by Gregory C Keck – A hopeful message that acknowledges and understands teen behavior as a regular developmental pattern and then gives parents tools for handling the behavior in light of new understanding of the behavior. It is all about relationship!

Pieces of Me

Pieces of Me: Who do I Want to Be by L. Ballard, editor, EMK A series of essays written by adoptees. They face the same identity issues of all teenagers with the added complication of adoption themes. Well written in a way that addresses difficult topics without sugar-coating or catastrophizing. A heartfelt exploration that might provide a much-needed sense of common experience to a teenage adoptee and several possible roadmaps that could inform their own adoption journey.

The Primal Wound

The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child
by Nancy Newton Verrier – A wound exists when a child is separated from his/her mother. The Primal Wound explains how this wound came to be and how it manifests itself in various ways throughout the developmental stages. The book provides solutions to facilitate healing the wound for different age groups and in different situations. This book validates the existence of the Primal Wound and offers great insight to behaviors caused by it. The solutions are extremely helpful for any adoptive parent.

Raising Adopted Children

Raising Adopted Children, Revised Edition: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent
by Lois Melina – An updated version that is comprehensive in covering adoption issues and a good resource book to have on hand.

Sacred Connections

Sacred Connections: Stories Of Adoption
essays by Mary Ann Koenig and Photography by Niki Berg; 2000 by Mary Ann Koenig; Running Press Book Publishers – Mary Ann Koenig, a clinical psychologist and herself an adoptee, interviews those connected through adoption. The stories are real, touching, and span the various experiences of adoption: some who find their birth parents and some who do not, some who are excited about the reunion, and some who are disappointed, birth parents who are have searched for their children, etc. My adolescent son has read this book with me several times. Each night, we would take one story and read it, looking closely at the pictures. As the title suggests, the book honors all connections and this is evident in how carefully and candidly the stories are told. I highly recommend this book as a bridge to discussions with your adolescent about adoption.

Saving CeeCee Honeycutt

Saving CeeCee Honeycutt: A Novel by Beth Hoffman – A both delightful and heart-felt fiction book that reveals 12-year-old Cecelia Rose’s (CeeCee’s) journey through her mother’s tragic mental illness and death to her soft landing in her great aunt’s home in Savannah, GA. I especially liked the author’s “take” on grief and how Great-Aunt Tootie so beautifully nurtures CeeCee through it.
Here’s a quote from the book, “You might not think you’re grieving, but grief comes in all sorts of ways. There’s the kind of grief that leaves you numb, and the kind of grief that rips your world in half. And then there’s another kind of grief that doesn’t feel like grief at all. It’s like a tiny splinter you don’t even know you have until it festers so deep it has nowhere to go but into your soul. I think that’s the hardest kind of grief there is because you know you’re hurting but you don’t know why.”

Scattered Links

Scattered Links by M. Weidenbenner  is exceptionally written. Second,  Page after page, I ached for Oksana, the twelve-year-old heroine, for the sad reality that was/is her life and that of many other orphanage-raised, severely traumatized children who fear to trust and open themselves to attachment.
The emotional struggles portrayed ring true for both Oksana and her adoptive parents. Self-doubt, grief, loss are experienced by the entire family, not just the child. It affects the way they relate to one another. It factors into their thoughts, beliefs, and expectations
History has taught Oksana that trust is a luxury they cannot afford. They’ve learned that lesson well. In some cases, their wariness and resistance to connect was the only thing that kept them alive. (No wonder they are so reluctant to change their strategy.) As an adoption professional, I do have one criticism of this wonderful book. The celebration of Oksana’s joining her adoptive family is called “Gotcha Day.” This is a term many adoptees find offensive. It is seen as depersonalizing and parent-centric because it casts the child as acquired by the parents. Adoptees are not the only ones with emotional baggage. Adoptive parents also bring their own…

  Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency: A Comprehensive Guide to Promoting Understanding and Healing In Adoption, Foster Care, Kinship Families and Third Party Reproduction This book is foundational to adoptive parenting. It explores some of the fundamental challenges that adoptees and their families face. Awareness is the first step to understanding what support adoptees need as they strive to understand what is means to be adopted.

The Tell: A Memoir Heartbreaking, honest. A mother shares her family’s worst nightmare. It is both an immensely cautionary tale and a story of family commitment. This is a book you will never forget. The Tell: A Memoir by Mags Karn chronicles a family walking through the unspeakable horror of sexual abuse perpetrated by one child against his sisters.

Why Love Matters

Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby’s Brain
by Sue Gerhardt – Explains why love is essential to a baby’s development & how this starts very early on… even in the womb & has lasting effects on the infant.

You Don’t Look Adopted

We parents often lament that children do not come with a handbook. That’s why You Don’t Look Adopted is the next best thing. Please read Anne’s responses; she has a great deal of insight to share with us. It is a raw, unflinching look at adoption through an adult adoptee’s experiences. Her story will inspire parents who are currently raising children to create the spaces, open the conversations, and help support their kiddos through the adoption-related stresses and fallout. This is an exceptional book that is well worth the read.

Yushi and the Tall Man

Yushi and the Tall Man by Tami Staut – A children’s (pre-school and elementary school) book about adopting a Chinese baby. This is a great children’s book to open discussions about adoption, and Chinese baby girl adoptions in particular. The story follows what happens to most Chinese baby girls who are abandoned in China, and has a happy ending with a forever family. The illustrations are wonderful and calming.
This book was written by my friend Tami Staut and is about and for my friends, the Jones family, when they adopted their baby Chinese girl, now named Elizabeth.

Books—Children’s Fiction

Help A Hamster

Help A Hamster by Hilary Robinson (Picture book for children) Meet Alphie, his classmates, and their pet hamster, Henry. Turns out, Henry is a she who recently delivered a litter. Taking care of all those babies overwhelms Henry so Alphie and his friends search for safe, loving homes for the babies. They appoint Alphie hamster monitor.
Alphie, an adoptee, sees the parallels in his own story and works hard to find homes where each of the hamsters will be happy.
This book includes information about adoption that is presented in a gentle and subtle tone. It will offer many teachable moments for kids to learn about adoption whether they are adopted themselves or not.
The illustrations by Mandy Stanley are lovely, engaging, and inclusive. As in real life, families come in different shapes and sizes. “Help a Hamster” is an excellent addition to the family library.

As Simple As It Seems

by Sarah Weeks. Directed toward late elementary and middle-school – Highlights the impact of a fifth-grade girl learning she is adopted. Deals with the powerful questions of nature vs. nurture as the protagonist discovers how the behavior of biological parents may or may not inform her own choices and character. An outstanding book.

A Memoir of Foster Parenting and Beyond by Deborah Gold “Counting Down is a deeply moving memoir about both the reward and daunting challenges of being a foster family.” Deborah Gold incorporates both parent and child perspectives creating a unique and valuable perspective on fostering. A great read for anyone even if not a foster or adoptive parent.

The Strangely Hopeful Story of Foster Care and Adoption in Appalachia by Wendy Welch “Fall or Fly is a compelling, unvarnished glimpse into the complex world of foster care and adoption in modern-day Appalachia. Dr. Welch provides readers with a multifaceted view of the system through the eyes of children, foster parents, and caseworkers … offering a more complete understanding of the foster care system.”

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