Posts Tagged ‘attachment’
Celebrating Family Milestones … Adoption Style
Last weekend my son turned thirty-three.* (He’s grown a fair bit since this photo was taken!) We marked the day with the usual festivities including ice cream cake, candles to blow out, voices raised in off-key song. Sounds pretty typical but it was far from routine. Around the table sat his wife, his young son, his sister and her husband and myself and… his birth mother, her mom, and her sister. All the people he loved most in the world were there. Adoption had brought us together. Love gathered us as one to celebrate and be a part of his life. He was visibly moved by the fact that we were all present.
We, the members of both his birth family and his adoptive family joined to be his FAMILY and together we love our son. This love for him motivates us to welcome and value one another. We do not ask him to choose which family is “real.” Nor do we demand loyalty to one and not the other. He needs us all. He values us all. Because of that truth, we all value one another.
His adoption which occurred in the 1980s was originally “closed” until he reached nineteen. Because my son is an adult, admittedly, this is easier. Fewer fears undermine our commitment to being “open.” Even at the time that his mom first reached out to him, his Dad and I recognized how important these relationships were to our son, to his happiness and to his mental as well as physical health. As parents who loved our son deeply, we grabbed the opportunity to embrace this healing reconnection with his birth mother. We have never regretted it. Over the years we have built a comfortable, welcoming relationship and we all have benefitted.
Here are a few questions to consider regarding your own family. (I encourage you to read Lori Holden’s landmark book, The Open-hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole. If you want to know more about this wonderful book, we have reviewed it in the Suggested Reading List tab on this website.)
How might your family benefit from more openness?
Who will benefit the most?
What fears come up and how do you resolve them?
What boundaries might serve you?
How can you lay the groundwork for the relationships to evolve over time?
How will you prepare your child?
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Relationships: Making Time, Focusing Attention
Human beings are genetically programmed to desire belonging and companionship, yet life is at its core a solitary journey. In response, each of us walks through life attracting and establishing relationships and deciding who and what is important. As adoptive families, one of our most important relationships—the one between parent and child didn’t happen by accident. We had to expend great energy, intention, and commitment to form our families.
As hard as we work to create relationships, often we fall short in dedicating the necessary energy to sustain them. One of life’s biggest challenges is disciplining ourselves to take the steps, make the time and focus the effort to sustain relationships. It’s not enough to build them; we must also nurture them.
During our recent retreat in Sedona, my GIFT partners and I acted on our intention to be partners, colleagues, and friends. This required us to adjust busy schedules, arrange coverage to fulfill any ongoing responsibilities during our absence, and create understandings with our families. Certainly, this took effort, but the goal—and the result were well worth it.
As Intentional parents, how are you carving the time, focusing attention and engaging in activities—or moments—that feed your spirits and strengthen your family ties?
Think of specific choices that you made; which ones advanced your goal? Which ones fell flat? What patterns, assumptions, and complicating factors blocked your success? What habits kept you tethered to “old” outcomes? What “system” can you design that will best support you?
It might help to imagine this was a career or job goal; the same kind of strategies that serve us professionally can often be tweaked to serve us in relationships. (Remember to operate from the perspective of relationship not transaction!)
One simple practice which we used during our retreat was to set a daily intention. We each identified a single word to embody that intention, for example, forgiveness, serenity, joy, kindness, attunement, tranquility. Determine whatever word captures your intention and then walk through the day with that word as the framework through which you engage for the day. We chose to share our daily intention with one another. (Decide if you want to share yours with others.)
One of the most common impediments to goal achievement is lack of time and the stress that results.
Promise yourself that you will also identify what you would be declining. Take the time to weigh out the choices. Gain clarity, then choose. Feel the difference this makes in your decision process. How much extra time did it take? What benefits do you notice?
How might this practice–and the small pause it inserts–help avoid making decisions which are later regretted? How might it reduce stress? How might it improve relationships with others and yourself? How does it help you choose your priorities from a place of strength?
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Roots and Wings, Questions and Answers, Building Connections
By the very fact that you chose to take the time to open this blog, you have demonstrated a commitment to being the best parent you can. Posts like this one help us identify leverage points from which we can better guide and connect with our children. Today as I write this blog, tragically, another school shooting has occurred. This is another reminder of the fragility of life. In recent weeks we’ve concentrated nurturing our relationships within our family context. Strong, connected relationships form the foundational bedrock of healthy families. They do not happen by accident. They grow from a consistent commitment of words and aligned actions.
As Intentional Parents we have committed to a goal: to parent in a way that reflects our deeply held values and which helps children grow into happy, healthy adults with strong “roots” and sturdy “wings.”
So, let’s consider a few questions.(First, identify one specific attempt you actually made to reinforce your relationship connection members of your family. Then repeat this series of questions regarding at least one attempt you made to connect with each of the remaining members of your family.) Let’s explore what you can “data mine” about your efforts.
How well was it received? What did it accomplish? How did their response affect your emotions?
How have you reminded yourself each day to ensure you fulfilled your intention to make a daily connection?
Did you think to consider taking advantage of each family member’s “love language?” (If you need a refresher, reread this blog.)
What did you notice within yourself as the interactions occur?
What happened when those efforts “landed”?
If your effort was rebuffed, how did you respond? (Think of both your external reactions and your internal emotions and thoughts.)
What can you do to help identify additional ways of connecting? How can you make them more effective?
How did timing, location, and the presence–or absence–of others influence whether or not connection successfully occurred?
Now run an instant replay in your mind WITHOUT any soundtrack.
What role did body language play—yours and theirs? How did they play off one another?
Now run ONLY the soundtrack. How did word choice influence the result? How does your wording influence the communication, for example, when you speak saying “you” versus “I”?
What have you learned about yourself? What have you learned about individual members of your family? Decide what actions you want to repeat and which ones need further revision or a totally new strategy. When unable to connect “in person” what other ways might you try? Notes? Text messages? Get creative. Instagram? Letters? (the snail mail kind!) The bottom line:
Sustain the intention and
Develop the effective strategies
Implement systems that remind you to follow through.
Approach this effort one day at a time. What will you do today?
Changing Intentions, Changing Behavior: An Uphill Climb
Last week we challenged you to set time aside to have deeply connected and vulnerable conversations with the people you love. We titled it “Before It Is Too Late.” Our intent was to encourage some positive change regarding the mood of negativity, anger and, violence in America. We believe we must focus on connection as a prime priority.
A loving relationship is the soil from which our family bonds grow. We plant the seeds of trust, caring, forgiveness and, acceptance. The growth process takes time and attentive nurturing.
Change of this magnitude requires a combination of intention, commitment and, execution. It is definitely an uphill climb that demands persistence, powering through failure, forgiveness, encouragement and, acknowledgment of every tiny increment of success.So … back to last week’s challenge. Did you actually make time to have the conversation in which you told them you love them? How many times did you do? if not, what distractions, habits and behavioral patterns got in your way? Pause for a moment to listen to your inner dialogue as you considered the previous questions. How “accountable” were you? What rationale (excuses?) did you invoke to justify not taking the time for the challenge?
Step back. Now ask yourself, if a spouse, friend, coworker or, child used similar reasons for not following through on a Big Intention would you call “baloney” on them? Would you think it but not share the thought?
Now imagine yourself as the “listener” hearing your reasons for not acting on your intention. Do the words ring true? Great. How can you overcome those obstacles to create a different outcome this week? What are you willing to do to make sure you make the time to connect? What reminders might serve your goal?
If you judged your “reasons” as insufficient, are you ready to move beyond these distractions, obstacles or, excuses? What will you have to think, do and say differently?
Intimacy requires us to be vulnerable with one another which means it leaves us open to being hurt. Risk it. Start the conversation. Lead by example and speak from your heart. Reciprocity may not come but the words will have been heard. Even if the message didn’t take root immediately, repeat the process until it does. When family members do respond, listen, totally, with heart and mind. That is a daring act of love which transforms, hearts, lives and, worlds. This is how we attune and it is through this attunement that we interact in ways that benefit the entire family.
The time for these conversations is now. #LoveRadically
Believing Hearts, Hurtful Words, Healing Words
Life-affirming people make us feel better after being with them. The way they speak and interact resonates, refreshes & supports us. Through their words and demeanor we feel heard, seen and, validated. They listen attentively and respectfully. We feel the difference. They believe in us and thus remind us to believe in ourselves. They roll up their shirtsleeves then dig in and help. We blossom within this type of rare and blessed relationship.
As adoptive parents we have the opportunity—the obligation—to create this level of communication within our families. Since adoption is the most significant factors that make our families unique, the way we communicate around adoption occupies center stage in our family dynamics and family cohesion.
It is a truism that adoption brings together disparate individuals and grafts them into a family. Unlike a cake mix where simple stirring blends the ingredients sufficiently, adoption requires a unique life-long commitment to understanding how to best fulfill the needs of adoptees. It also mandates that we maintain an understanding about how our own grief and loss issues contribute to the complexity. We cannot afford to deny that these raw spots exist. To do so would require that we build a false façade that dooms the entire family to role-playing instead of genuinely connecting.
Both parents and children have emotional hot spots—triggers—which can be easily detonated causing hurt feelings and damaged relationships. This blog will focus on only one of the many contributing elements: the role language plays in shaping family relationships. We cannot afford to be cavalier or haphazard with our words, nor can we default to cultural phrases and assumptions about adoption. We must dig deeper, be intentional and use language in a positive, almost therapeutic way. We must maintain a scrupulous awareness of how we use language.
Nature/Nurture Conundrum
The push/pull between the influences of nature and nurture is undeniable in adoptive families. Both forces operate in a constantly changing balance. The differences that exist between ourselves and our children contribute as much as our commonalities to shape who we are as individuals and as a family.
All families have differences. We are after all, not clones but individuals. Adoptive families are even more likely to have areas where preferences and inclinations don’t quite synchronize. The way we talk about—or ignore this challenge—impacts our relationships and attachment-building process.
Most of the time we appreciate the zest and spice that our children’s differences add to our families. Sometimes, however, their aptitudes and inclinations challenge us. A family of sports nuts, for example, may be utterly confounded by their child’s total disinterest in things athletic. Or, a family whose generations have been steeped in the arts, music and dance may be frustrated with their child’s refusal to engage while they prefer to focus their complete attention on sports.
As Intentional Parents we strive to respect the spectrum of the entire family’s aptitudes, successes and struggles with mutual respect. We choose to consciously honor, nurture and encourage their unique—and different—interests and abilities. We scrupulously avoid sending a message that we wish they were different—code for “more like us.” It is essential to release our children from the straitjacket of expectations limited to historical family patterns. Language counts in this regard. So does silence.
Once we adopted, we entered a new world, one that includes substantial differences. We must embrace this infusion of difference and never convey disappointment or resentment or imply that who their DNA has designed them to be is not quite good enough. Most especially, we must not imply that our children should stifle their natural talents and subjugate them to our family’s “traditional” patterns as the unspoken cost for acceptance into our families.
Our children struggle with the weight and challenge of the inevitable differences they feel as they walk through life and accomplish the task of becoming themselves within the context of our families. This is not an easy job. They must in essence, “build the bridge as they are walking across it,”[1] and figure out how to straddle their dual identity of biology and biography.* They need our guidance and encouragement and the words we use to express our support matters.
When our child pursues an activity which we find dull, uninteresting or even not “worthwhile,” the judgmental part of our consciousness may undermine our best intentions. For example, a sports nut mom may find it excruciating to listen to her child drone in minute detail about a piece of music or favorite film. She might make an auto-pilot comment like, “That’s interesting.” That phrase commonly operates as code for BORING. At best it damns with “faint praise.”
Often our body language conveys our authentic feelings: eyes roll or avoid contact, mouth gapes open or we remain focused on our own task rather than fully engage with our child.
(The message is clear whether vocalized or not.) Although the adage says, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” we all know the truth that contradicts this old saw. Some words cut to the core, flay the spirit, and destroy self-esteem.
Once spoken and heard, such toxic words cannot be taken back, “unheard” or forgotten. Forgiveness may follow, but the memory of such verbal poison and the emotional message they convey, will linger. The scar will remain as memory of a painful experience and a permanent part of their inner audiotape.
The quicksand of harsh words can damage our children. Adoption has its roots in loss–for parent and child–and this reality can leave us vulnerable to feelings of shame, self-doubt and, inadequacy. As the saying goes, “Hurt people hurt people.” In other words, when people feel hurt, they tend to lash out in response. It is helpful to remind ourselves of this when our kids dish out hurtful or rejecting comments. The heat of the moment is not time for a rational discussion.
Prepare for these conversations ahead of time and remember though the words are directed at us–and may be intentionally hurtful–they’re usually our child’s effort to unload pain and to shift it to parents. The reality is that their words can land on very raw and tender emotional hot spots within us. At some unconscious level, all adoptive parents wrestle with fears that their children will never fully bond with them. Many adoptive parents unconsciously fear that their children might prefer their biological parents. Others worry that their children might not have enough room for both their adoptive parents and their biological parents. These fears can lead them to place subtle—perhaps even overt—pressure on their children to choose between their first parents and their adoptees.
Being mindful of this vulnerability, parents must commit to holding an absolute boundary regarding certain toxic, emotionally devastating phrases.
As the saying goes, “Hurt people hurt people.” In other words, when people feel hurt, they tend to lash out in response. It is helpful to remind ourselves of this when our kids dish out hurtful or rejecting comments. The heat of the moment is not time for a rational discussion.
We can prepare for these conversations ahead of time to remind ourselves that though their words are directed at us–and may be intentionally hurtful–they’re usually our child’s effort to unload pain and to shift it to parents. The reality is that their words can land on very raw and tender emotional hot spots within us, e.g., fears that our children will never fully bond with us, or that they might prefer their biological parents over us. Some of us may struggle to believe that our children might not have enough room for both us and their biological parents. These fears can lead us to place subtle—perhaps even overt—pressure on children to choose between their first parents and us. That’s a lot of fear on our side of the equation.
Regardless of the buttons kids may push or the emotional hand grenades they lobby parents must remain solid in their commitment to respectful, compassionate language. There is NEVER justification for the use of such “Black Box” phrases as:
“I wish we’d never adopted you.”
“You’re just like your mother (or father) [An insult is clearly implied]
“My biological children would never be like you.”
“Adopting you was a big mistake”
“You should be grateful we adopted you.”
“Maybe I’m not your real mom/dad but you’re not my real kid either.”
“You’re so puny, or such a big Amazon, or ____ (insert a phrase that attacks your child’s being.”
“You’re stuck with us; your parents didn’t want you.”
The preceding words do irreparable harm to the fragile bonds of attachment which require so much effort, time and intention to foster and strengthen and are, unfortunately, so easy to undermine an damage.
Here a few questions to consider.
What other toxic talk might be fatal to your relationships as a family?
When your kids say deeply hurtful things to you, how do you remain calm and “adult” and resist the urge to retaliate?
How might you model ways of “off-loading” pain in a way that does not hurt others?
Take the time to develop an arsenal of responses that support your child and your child who is experiencing an “emotional hijacking.” (This is when they are so inflamed with emotion, their thinking brain is shut down. They’re not thinking; they are downing in a tsunami of overwhelming and frightening emotions. Logic is useless. Reasoning is futile. The time for discussion, problem solving and consequences will come later, after the firestorm subsides.)
Here are some ways to respond.
It must be scary to feel angry enough to hate me. It sounds like “x” is really important to you.
I bet that feeling like I’m not your “real” mom (dad) must leave you feeling alone and unprotected.
I’ve never had to wonder who my real parents are; I think it must be both scary and painful.
Don’t expect miracles. Notice that these responses focus on meeting the child where he is, not in yelling at them to calm down, not in screaming back a laundry list of escalating consequences and not in trying to impose parental control. They focus on conveying empathy, not winning the argument. This response is about salvaging the relationship and reminding them that it is something valuable. Bridge cross the crisis to connect and nurture the seeds of attachment. Remember when our kids are behaving in their must “unloveable” and unpleasant ways, it is usually when they need our love and reassurance the most.
[1] https://www.amazon.com/Building-Bridge-As-You-Walk/dp/078797112X