Posts Tagged ‘Intentional Parenting’
Roots and Wings, Questions and Answers, Building Connections
By the very fact that you chose to take the time to open this blog, you have demonstrated a commitment to being the best parent you can. Posts like this one help us identify leverage points from which we can better guide and connect with our children. Today as I write this blog, tragically, another school shooting has occurred. This is another reminder of the fragility of life. In recent weeks we’ve concentrated nurturing our relationships within our family context. Strong, connected relationships form the foundational bedrock of healthy families. They do not happen by accident. They grow from a consistent commitment of words and aligned actions.
As Intentional Parents we have committed to a goal: to parent in a way that reflects our deeply held values and which helps children grow into happy, healthy adults with strong “roots” and sturdy “wings.”
So, let’s consider a few questions.(First, identify one specific attempt you actually made to reinforce your relationship connection members of your family. Then repeat this series of questions regarding at least one attempt you made to connect with each of the remaining members of your family.) Let’s explore what you can “data mine” about your efforts.
How well was it received? What did it accomplish? How did their response affect your emotions?
How have you reminded yourself each day to ensure you fulfilled your intention to make a daily connection?
Did you think to consider taking advantage of each family member’s “love language?” (If you need a refresher, reread this blog.)
What did you notice within yourself as the interactions occur?
What happened when those efforts “landed”?
If your effort was rebuffed, how did you respond? (Think of both your external reactions and your internal emotions and thoughts.)
What can you do to help identify additional ways of connecting? How can you make them more effective?
How did timing, location, and the presence–or absence–of others influence whether or not connection successfully occurred?
Now run an instant replay in your mind WITHOUT any soundtrack.
What role did body language play—yours and theirs? How did they play off one another?
Now run ONLY the soundtrack. How did word choice influence the result? How does your wording influence the communication, for example, when you speak saying “you” versus “I”?
What have you learned about yourself? What have you learned about individual members of your family? Decide what actions you want to repeat and which ones need further revision or a totally new strategy. When unable to connect “in person” what other ways might you try? Notes? Text messages? Get creative. Instagram? Letters? (the snail mail kind!) The bottom line:
Sustain the intention and
Develop the effective strategies
Implement systems that remind you to follow through.
Approach this effort one day at a time. What will you do today?
Reflections on a Year of Intentional Parenting
We are about to conclude another year of Intentional Parenting. I invite you to take some time to review the year. What pops first into your mind? Was it a memory that conjured feelings of connection, warmth or pride? Or, was it something which reeks of regret, disappointment or anger? The answer reveals a lot about where our attention and energy has been drawn. If worry, fear, frustration, anger or rejections dominates the conversation, it will tilt our thoughts and beliefs in a negative direction.
Let’s revisit the question and this time, clear your heart and head. Use a lens of neutrality. Now what memories spring to mind? How did things shift?
How many are positive? How many of these memories conjure up moments of struggle or conflict? Perhaps 2017 held many challenges and this negativity dominates your thoughts and feelings. Dig until at least some positive moments take center stage in the 2017 highlight reel of your life. Savor this perspective of celebrating what worked in the past year.
Notice how this intentional shift allows even more positive memories float to the surface.
As you review the highlight reel of the past year. Focus on the top three memories. Pause to enjoy them for a few moments. Which of those three memories bring the warmest feelings?
Three-peats
Choose three success to analyze. What factors contributed to successful encounters? Who was involved? How did each person influence the outcome? How might you increase the likelihood of similar positive interactions in the future? In addition to the elements that you want to include what should be eliminated? Keep in mind that the prime directive of Intentional Parenting is the nurturing the relationship. Unless it is healthy, parents will find it difficult, if not impossible, to influence children positively and inculcate their core values.
Trifecta Redo
Contrast these elements of success with factors that inflamed conflict. What role did your family values play? Resist the temptation to tackle every item on your list of things to improve. This creates overwhelm and reduces the likelihood that the desired changes will result. Instead, prioritize; select three items you commit to improving.
What flashpoints tended to trigger breakdown? It is a truism that we can only change ourselves. So, determine how you can interact differently when these types of conflict reappear. Get clear on who owns the “problem.” How do each person’s beliefs, attitudes, actions and, assumptions influence the conflict? How do entrenched patterns keep the family stuck?
Use the Well-formed Outcomes[1] approach to develop a strategy for change.
What do you truly want?
State it in the positive.
Can you initiate it?
Can you control it?
Chunk into manageable task size.
Determine evidence of completion.
Use sensory terms –see, hear & feel it
What must be included?
Actions, places and people
What must be eliminated
Actions, places and people
What’s the context?
Who else? Where? When?
What are the current barriers?
What results will the goal yield?
(Positive & Negative)
What resources are essential?
Set action Steps Specific/achievable.
What is the first step?
Create several ways to get result.
What time frames are involved?
Create systems to support outcome.
[1] Adapted from Resource Realizations
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Best Gift: Confidence, Courage and, Capability and, Compassion
In the previous two blogs we’ve explored an approach to the holiday season from the perspective of Intentional Parenting. We’ve striven to shift our focus from material presents and instead to concentrate on intangible blessings. Intentional families reinforce family values in both words and in action. 
What ideas?Intentionality and Parenting in a Time of Social Unrest
The tragic events in Virginia this past weekend have left the entire country reeling. Violence has taken root in America at a degree never previously seen. As a country we are at a crossroads. Each and every one of us must determine how he or she will respond. Distinct from any one political stand, the current turmoil offers an opportunity for parents to practice Intentionality.
As Intentional parents we commit to pro-activity instead of reactivity. We must decide how we will walk our families through these challenging days, weeks, years. How will we interpret these events to our children and help them understand what it means for them, our families and our communities?
What will we do to ensure that our country reflects our personal values? The obvious first step is to clarify the values by which we choose to live. Then we must inculcate those values in our children.
We do that in two ways. One is through our words. Language matters, has emotional “weight.” When chosen well, language can bridge divides. It can also damage relationships, intimidate and incite violence. Language can be balm or flamethrower, be gentle or cataclysmic. Life-giving or life-taking.
We get to choose and our choices serve double duty. Not only do our words convey our stance to our kids, they provide them the vocabulary to talk about it with others. Our family discussions will provide a forum for them to learn, to test and to question. These explorations will prepare them to hold conversation with others outside the family. Knowledgeable, intentional conversations. That is a good thing.
The other way we hold and work for our values is to take action. We must move beyond platitudes and lip service. If we assert that health is a family value, the way we live, eat and, exercise must reflect that. If we espouse respect for the earth, our household habits must embody that.
Whatever values we espouse, people should be able to infer them from the way we live our lives. Our actions form the most effective curriculum for teaching our kids and for shaping our country.
Let us take time to pause, reflect, and assess our “job performance” on teaching/living our values. Where are the successes? Where are the best leverage points for change? What will be the first step? What has to stop? What has to begin? What will be the evidence that the adjustments have been effective?
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