Posts Tagged ‘Intentional Parenting’

Reflections on a Year of Intentional Parenting

Wednesday, January 3, 2018 @ 08:01 AM
Author: admin

We are about to conclude another year of Intentional Parenting. I invite you to take some time to review the year. What pops first into your mind? Was it a memory that conjured feelings of connection, warmth or pride? Or, was it something which reeks of regret, disappointment or anger? The answer reveals a lot about where our attention and energy has been drawn. If worry, fear, frustration, anger or rejections dominates the conversation, it will tilt our thoughts and beliefs in a negative direction.

Let’s revisit the question and this time, clear your heart and head. Use a lens of neutrality. Now what memories spring to mind? How did things shift?

How many are positive? How many of these memories conjure up moments of struggle or conflict?  Perhaps 2017 held many challenges and this negativity dominates your thoughts and feelings. Dig until at least some positive moments take center stage in the 2017 highlight reel of your life. Savor this perspective of celebrating what worked in the past year.

Notice how this intentional shift allows even more positive memories float to the surface.

As you review the highlight reel of the past year. Focus on the top three memories. Pause to enjoy them for a few moments. Which of those three memories bring the warmest feelings?

Three-peats

Choose three success to analyze. What factors contributed to successful encounters? Who was involved? How did each person influence the outcome? How might you increase the likelihood of similar positive interactions in the future? In addition to the elements that you want to include what should be eliminated? Keep in mind that the prime directive of Intentional Parenting is the nurturing the relationship. Unless it is healthy, parents will find it difficult, if not impossible, to influence  children positively and inculcate their core values.

Trifecta Redo

Contrast these elements of success with factors that inflamed conflict. What role did your family values play? Resist the temptation to tackle every item on your list of things to improve.  This creates overwhelm and reduces the likelihood that the desired changes will result. Instead, prioritize; select three items you commit to improving.

What flashpoints tended to trigger breakdown? It is a truism that we can only change ourselves. So, determine how you can interact differently when these types of conflict reappear. Get clear on who owns the “problem.” How do each person’s beliefs, attitudes, actions and, assumptions influence the conflict? How do entrenched patterns keep the family stuck?

Use the Well-formed Outcomes[1] approach to develop a strategy for change.

What do you truly want?
State it in the positive.
Can you initiate it?
Can you control it?
Chunk into manageable task size.
Determine evidence of completion.
Use sensory terms –see, hear & feel it
What must be included?
            Actions, places and people
What must be eliminated
            Actions, places and people
What’s the context?
            Who else? Where? When?
What are the current barriers?
What results will the goal yield?
            (Positive & Negative)
What resources are essential?
Set action Steps Specific/achievable.
What is the first step?
Create several ways to get result.
What time frames are involved?
Create systems to support outcome.

[1] Adapted from Resource Realizations

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Best Gift: Confidence, Courage and, Capability and, Compassion

Wednesday, December 13, 2017 @ 04:12 PM
Author: admin
Best Gift: Confidence, Courage and, Capability and, CompassionIn the previous two blogs we’ve explored an approach to the holiday season from the perspective of Intentional Parenting. We’ve striven to shift our focus from material presents and instead to concentrate on intangible blessings. Intentional families reinforce family values in both words and in action.
Like many others of my generation, I am a grandparent handling the day care responsibilities for my grandchild. The reasons for this are two-fold. First, it gives me an irreplaceable channel to forge life-long, solid attachments with my grandson. Second, the cost of quality day-care is prohibitive. My willingness to shoulder this responsibility allows my children to stretch their hard-earned dollars further.
With this first-hand opportunity to shape my grandson, I am able to practice much of the Intentional Parenting suggestions which I proffer here. I believe that helping to shape my grandson’s values in a positive way is one of the best gifts I can provide him. Each day during our time together, I intentionally sprinkle messages—comments that encourage, demonstrate and, reinforce our family values. I think of them as thought-seeds, ideas which I trust will take root and bear fruit throughout his lifetime.
Best Gift: Confidence, Courage and, CapabilityWhat ideas?
I remind him that he is loved by me, his parents and his extended family. Who loves you, PJ? I continue asking, And who else? Until he runs out of names. Then we reverse engineer the activity reinforcing that there is room for all of the people in his heart. This includes the members of his dad’s biological family who do love him deeply and whole-heartedly. At twenty-eight months, he’s familiar with this “game” and appears to enjoy it.
I also like to remind him that he is capable, that it is essential to try and try again until success is achieved. Nana is so proud of you for trying… I acknowledge when he accomplishes something especially when he’s worked hard to do it. When we are together, I also comment on my own efforts to try. I point out when something doesn’t work but that I’m going to try again. This models capability in addition to speaking about it. And it reveals that even adults must work to gain proficiency.
I think it is important for children to understand that adults do not achieve success every time and that it is a process for us also. If they overheard me speaking aloud, narrating our play like a toddler outsiders might think me crazy. But I believe it reveals important information to children which they might otherwise not notice. In fact, most kids infer that everything is easy for adults; they do not realize we’ve been learning for our entire lifetimes.
One other belief which I emphasize is the importance of helping others. I let him know that I noticed and admire his efforts to help. Then I mention that his mommy and daddy are wonderful helpers as well. Our family believes in helping. Similarly, I highlight how everyone in our family is a helper, tryer, sharer and, hard worker. This builds compassion as well as a sense that we should not only feel empathetic but that we also should feel called to action.
Often this requires courage, especially in the moments when it is difficult to speak out, stand up or, get involved. This kind of conviction emerges from a lifetime of reinforcement. We plant these seeds when our kids are young and then we nurture them as they grow. This benefits them and us. While teaching them we are reminded of what is important and why.
While this may sound overly preachy and moralistic, fear not. One additional value I teach him is that every day we must make time for laughter and dance. ( And cooking, we’re a family that believes when you love someone, you cook them good food. Like his dad, PJ already loves to cook.)
Whatever one’s family values are, they bind us together and forge a common belief system that will determine actions. Actions, in turn, become our contribution to the world and a legacy for the entire family. Although we can’t wrap it and place it under the tree, a clear family value system is a mighty special gift! One might even say it is the proverbial “pearl of great price.
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Intentionality and Parenting in a Time of Social Unrest

Wednesday, August 16, 2017 @ 02:08 PM
Author: admin

Intentionality and Parenting in a Time of Social Unrest-bullying-social unrest

The tragic events in Virginia this past weekend have left the entire country reeling. Violence has taken root in America at a degree never previously seen. As a country we are at a crossroads. Each and every one of us must determine how he or she will respond. Distinct from any one political stand, the current turmoil offers an opportunity for parents to practice Intentionality.

As Intentional parents we commit to pro-activity instead of reactivity. We must decide how we will walk our families through these challenging days, weeks, years. How will we interpret these events to our children and help them understand what it means for them, our families and our communities?

What will we do to ensure that our country reflects our personal values? The obvious first step is to clarify the values by which we choose to live. Then we must inculcate those values in our children.

We do that in two ways. One is through our words. Language matters, has emotional “weight.” When chosen well, language can bridge divides. It can also damage relationships, intimidate and incite violence. Language can be balm or flamethrower, be gentle or cataclysmic. Life-giving or life-taking.

We get to choose and our choices serve double duty. Not only do our words convey our stance to our kids, they provide them the vocabulary to talk about it with others. Our family discussions will provide a forum for them to learn, to test and to question. These explorations will prepare them to hold conversation with others outside the family. Knowledgeable, intentional conversations. That is a good thing.

Intentionality and Parenting in a Time of Social Unrest.Dad talks to sonThe other way we hold and work for our values is to take action. We must move beyond platitudes and lip service. If we assert that health is a family value, the way we live, eat and, exercise must reflect that. If we espouse respect for the earth, our household habits must embody that.

Whatever values we espouse, people should be able to infer them from the way we live our lives. Our actions form the most effective curriculum for teaching our kids and for shaping our country.

Let us take time to pause, reflect, and assess our “job performance” on teaching/living our values. Where are the successes? Where are the best leverage points for change? What will be the first step? What has to stop? What has to begin? What will be the evidence that the adjustments have been effective?

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Our Job as Parents

Wednesday, May 10, 2017 @ 12:05 PM
Author: admin

Our Job as Parents.puddle jumping familyMother’s Day and Father’s Day focus attention on the importance of our job as parents. To our children, we are the life raft in which they find security, love, affirmation, and shared history. We educate, coach, and counsel. We serve as confidants and strive to instill a conscience. We represent the nurturing and care which provide children a sturdy foundation on which to build their lives. For all the love and commitment we bring to our families, we also bring our humanity, character flaws and imperfections. How can we be the parents our children deserve?

One of the most important things we can choose as parents is to ensure two things. First, we must work at our relationships with our spouse (or significant Other).  Our relationship serves as our children’s template when they begin selecting people to date and ultimately when they choose a life partner. Our children will study the way we treat each other. Their observations will outline what they want and expect from a partner. (It will influence how they choose and treat their friends as well.)

Taking care of ourselves is the second, essential thing that we must choose as parents. Everything we do, serves as a role model. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three-hundred-and-sixty-five days a year we are always “on stage.” There’s no getting around it. Our kiddoes are always watching. And learning. When we over-give or engage in perfectionism, they notice. When we comment on our looks, belittle ourselves or disparage our abilities, they absorb the message.

Equally true, when we practice good mental hygiene, make time for exercise, eat well and nurture our talents, our kids take note as well. Intentional Parents periodically remind ourselves of this fact. We are the hub of the family wheel. If we break down, the family journey experiences a rough ride. In the long run, it is a greater kindness to our kids to ensure that we take adequate care of ourselves. Making this a priority blesses the entire family.

Our Job as Parents.Mother's Day quote

While observing Mother’s Day and Father’s Day recommit to this AAQ* process which focuses on the unique needs of our families.  While adoption profoundly reshapes our children’s lives, it also permanently changes us. Adoption is fundamentally a family experience. Each of us is changed by it. Forever.

In last week’s blog we talked about the importance of sharing family fun. Consider these questions to help you get started.

How will you celebrate Mother’s and Father’s Day as a family?

How will you create a space for your children to share their feelings about/with their birth parents?

In what way will you remember and honor their birth parents?