Posts Tagged ‘Proactive parenting’

Six Top Reasons You Want an Adoption-attuned Family Library

Wednesday, May 9, 2018 @ 02:05 PM
Author: admin

FamilyAdoption-Library-path-to-healthy-adoption-conversations

This may lead them to have conflicted emotions, identity challenges, as well as a lack of resilience to bounce back when things get tough.

If parents–consciously or unconsciously–telegraph to their kids that talking about adoption distresses parents, kids will stuff their fears and worries and will then struggle to handle adoption complexity on their own and without the “guardrail” of parental support. Intentional parents know their children need parental support to figure out how to braid together a healthy, cohesive identity that respects all of their parts. Books serve as an immensely valuable tool for helping families address adoption complexity. A loving parent’s lap offers the perfect, safe place to share a book that helps them talk about this significant part of their family. They benefit both parent and child in powerful ways. Here are the top six ways:

1. Because you built your family through adoption, you have some additional adoption-connected parenting tasks. When you adopted, you obligated yourself to become the best parent possible. This means you must educate yourself on how adoption adds additional layers or responsibility and challenge to your parental role, to family dynamics, and to be envoys for your children. To fulfill those tasks, you need help identifying and performing them well. Books provide insight, strategies, and encouragement. They introduce new ideas which parents can consider and they can reveal issues which parents may not even realize exist or need to be handled.

2. Your children also have “inherited” adoption-related tasks which they must handle to ensure they grow into their best version of themselves. Books offer a safe chance to explore the topic. They create a chance to ask questions that reveal a child’s beliefs and fears about adoption. Parents can then address them and allay their children’s fears.

FamilyAdoption-Library-path-to-healthy-adoption-conversations-shameful3. It is not easy to find the “right” time to talk about the challenges, questions, and conflicts that adoption creates. Books create non-threatening ways of asking questions, exploring solutions, and describing complex emotions. They offer models of possibilities and a chance to imagine how potential tactics might work. Families can discuss the strategies and decisions which the characters chose, how effectively they worked, and the likelihood that it might work for other families (including one’s own.)

4. An accessible, well-stocked adoption bookshelf sends a message: that adoption is a safe and welcome topic. It telegraphs to children that parents are comfortable discussing adoption, that they can handle the conversation, and that they believe it is something they want to discuss as a family.

5. Children can pick a book off the shelf when they feel the urge or need to talk about adoption. It’s easier for them to hand a book to a parent that to open a conversation with a “Mom, we need to talk…”

6. Books help parents and children feel less isolated, less different. They help families feel like part of a tribe of other families facing the same situations. This helps reduce the feeling of being different and encourages a sense of shared community.

For specific book suggestions, check out our list here. Be sure to consult, GIFT coach, Gayle Swift’s blog, “Writing to Connect” which reviews “general” books that are not intended to be about adoption. She evaluates them through an adoption-attuned lens that identifies ways of raising important adoption conversations in a natural, relaxed way.

Next week we will explore: Five Reasons Your Family Adoption Library Can’t Handle Everything.

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In the Face of Disaster, We See the Humanity of All

Wednesday, September 13, 2017 @ 09:09 PM
Author: admin

Disaster humanityTime and again we see Americans come together to help one another. In the face of disaster, we see the humanity of all and our perceptions of difference and otherness fades. When an emergency responder arrives, we don’t stop to identify their politics, race or religion before we gratefully accept their help. Let’s sustain this sense of cooperation and mutual respect.

Our last blog written in the wake of hurricane Harvey focused on preparing families for disasters. The United States is reeling from recent weather disasters. Fires in the Northwest. Apocalyptic flooding and hurricane damage in Houston. Now Hurricane Irma has pulverized much of Florida. Mexico–which responded to the needs of Houston area residents after Harvey–is now coping with the ravages of a major earthquake. All of these disasters occurred in less than thirty days!

I’m writing this blog from my home. Heavy aluminum panels still cover all of my windows. While this delivers a sense of security, it also feels, dark, walled off from neighbors, isolated. We are eager to remove the shutters, yet we hesitate because hurricane Jose is still spinning out in the Atlantic. Thirty-two days remain in the “peak” season (Historically, the most intense and damaging storms have occurred between Sept. 1 and Oct. 30. Installing and removing storm shutters is a days-long, arduous process. So, for a while, we’ll wait and watch, hunkered down behind our temporary fortress.

It appears that the horrifying video footage of Harvey’s aftermath motivated Floridians to prepare for the storm. Most forecasts predicted that Irma would race up the “spine” of Florida or hug the east coast. But Mother Nature is an unpredictable force; she had an unanticipated change of heart and veered west. Some played the odds. They resisted preparation and then found themselves scrambling at the last-minute, desperately trying to complete their efforts before Irma slammed into their neighborhoods. The horrible result is still unfolding. Cleanup and restoration will take months and in some areas, years.

What has my rambling got to do with intentional parenting? Once again we’ve been reminded about the benefits of being prepared. This is particularly important for people who have experienced trauma in their lives.

Thus, major disaster events like these strike our kids very hard. They need us to do whatever we can to soften the impact.

Our families depend on us to be proactive and buy the supplies. Before we buy non-essentials, we must make the difficult purchasing decisions, forgo some of the fun items and activities and instead opt to buy stuff we hope we never need.   Disasters often cause businesses to close—some temporarily, others permanently. By buying emergency supplies ahead of time, we can avoid spending money when incomes are most apt to be interrupted.

Review your preparations for the type of weather disasters which typically befall your area. Supplies can be costly. Pick up one item per week and then store them in a sealed plastic tub. Batteries die quickly; consider buying items that depend on solar or mechanical energy. (At the risk of mentioning the holiday season too early…a  well-stocked disaster box might not be the fanciest present you’ve ever given BUT it could be the most important—even lifesaving.) After all every part of our country has their version of challenging weather. Having the security of knowing one is prepared relieves tremendous stress.)

Some of our most vulnerable families struggle to provide food and shelter for their families. Please remember the needy. Support organizations that help. Imagine having to face an impending hurricane or blizzard or other major challenge without the resources to protect your home or to purchase fuel, water and non-perishable food. Heartbreaking… Let’s do what we can to help out. (Always vet any organizations to which you donate; unfortunately disasters also tend to bring out the scammers and crooks)

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Adoption-attuned* Parenting Tips for Ages 0 – 7

Wednesday, June 14, 2017 @ 01:06 PM
Author: admin

Adoption-attuned* Parenting Tips for Ages 0 - 7

In their latest podcast, GIFT Coaches Susan David and Joann DiStefano offer tips on how to Adoption-attune your relationships with your child aged zero to seven. Three additional episodes will follow: Adoptees and the Middle School Years; Supporting Your Adopted Teen; No Longer a Child–Parent Relationships with the Adult Adoptee. Be sure to listen to the subsequent broadcasts as well. You’ll be glad that you did.

Success for any family is uniquely defined by the individual family. However, some elements appear almost universally in all families. Most parents aspire to raise happy, healthy, moral children who share the family’s values and contribute to the well-being of their families, communities and the world. Most adoptive families also include additional criteria: that their children successfully braid their dual heritage—birth and adoptive—into a healthy and functioning whole. (Writer and adoptive mom, Lori Holden calls this weaving “biography with biology.)

Adoption-attuned* Parenting Tips for Ages 0 – 7Adoptive parenting demands intense energy, patience, focus and Adoption-attunement* that sensitizes and alerts us to the unique needs of the entire family. Being a successful parent begins with an honest self-appraisal of the skills which we execute well and those which require additional time and attention. Some skill sets might only need tweaking while others may demand a complete reset of our parenting paradigm.

We awaken to the idea that adoptive parenting is different from parenting non-adopted children. We recognize that the methods we use to educate, inculcate values and teach discipline must always be selected through the lens of relationship building. We choose to be Intentional, to abandon autopilot parenting and instead commit to Adoption-attunement. At first this may sound like a huge mountain to climb. In reality, it is simply parenting from another angle with a fresh blueprint.

Adoption-attuned* Parenting Tips for Ages 0 – 7For example, in the early years of childhood from the years zero to seven, this means using “Time In” instead of “Time Out.” Listen to the entire podcast for many additional ideas of how to parent through an Adoption-attuned lens. Be brave enough to honestly assess your strengths as well as your greatest opportunities for improving skill sets. At this age children attend more to the examples which we model than to the words which we utter. Be intentional about how you relate with your kids. Keep in mind one question: Does this build connection with my child? As Dr. Karyn Purvis asserted: “Connect before you correct.” Relationship is the conduit to connection, attachment, family identity and attachment. It outstrips intimidation and yelling which instill fear and destroy relationships. Fear-based parenting elicits compliance in the moment not commitment.

When we do fall short of our lofty goal, Intentional Parents are quick to repair the relationship. This has a triple benefit: it shows children how to make amends, it demonstrates mutual respect and, it resists perfectionism. Parents and adoptees often incline to perfectionism—parents because they may feel the need to prove that they “deserve” to parent their child. Adoptees may fear a repeat of the biological parent’s “abandonment—so the ability to admit mistakes and make amends is a much-needed skill for all. Mastery comes through practice and life tends to serve up lots of chances to miss the pitch. It’s important that we show kids that we will take a shot at bat, again and again and again.

Adoption-attuned* Parenting Tips for Ages 0 – 7Susan and Joann have packed a lot of practical information into their thirty minute podcast. Tune in and check it out. Listen to the archived podcasts on our website. Episodes are brief and steeped in Adoption-attuned Parenting* concepts as well as Coaching Presuppositions. These strategies will help you build a strong family. Understanding the unique needs of our families enables us to parent smarter and more effectively.

 

Dear Mother I Do Not Know …

Wednesday, April 5, 2017 @ 04:04 PM
Author: admin

Dear Mother I do not knowRecently, an adult adoptee shared with me a letter which she wrote when she was ten years old. It reflects directly on our recent blog regarding the need to listen deeply to adoptees and affirm both the positive and the challenging impact which adoption imposes on their lives. It began, Dear Mother I Do Not Know, and continued:

Can you be my ghost friend? I will write to you and talk to you. Since I am not related to anyone I know, I am practically alone. I was adopted. I don’t know who I am related to. 

This child was raised with a very open attitude towards adoption and yet, her pain is palpable. She still felt the angst of isolation, the yearning for connection to birth family, the desire to know someone who was related to her. The absence of any biological relationships left her feeling unmoored, rootless. For those of us raised in our birth families, this struggle is difficult to imagine, understand and to determine how to best respond. Her words embody what  Betty Jean Lifton, Ph.D discovered in her research: that adoptees’ inner world are inhabited by an entire kingdom of missing, broken or out-of-reach relationships.

Dear mother I do not know.Ghost kingdomTo help all members of the adoption triad, therapists must be able to see the ghosts that accompany them. These ghosts spring from the depths of the unresolved grief, loss, and trauma that everyone has experienced. They represent the lost babies, the parents who lost them, and the parents who found them. Too dangerous to be allowed into consciousness, they are consigned to a spectral place I call the Ghost Kingdom. Search and reunion is an attempt by adoptees to reconnect with the ghost mother and father, and live the alternate life.*

But as Intentional Parents, we can–and must–do something to help our children. We can create an atmosphere that invites–welcomes–discussion of adoption and which acknowledge the adoption-connected realities which our children face. We can welcome Open Adoption because of the benefits it imbues to our children. (While Open Adoption brings complications to our lives, the benefits it  offers our children make it worthwhile. Keep in mind that Open Adoption is a spectrum as clearly explained by Lori Holden in her landmark book, The Open-hearted Way to Open Adoption.)

The first step is to acknowledge what is. The second step is to intentionally work on our family relationships. Our crazy, hectic lives too often drive s to operate on autopilot. Family life can be hectic. Time and energy run out before everything gets accomplished. We can get so enmeshed in the “doing” of our parenting responsibilities that we forget to take time to create moments of joy, connection and  authenticity. Last week we discussed the importance of creating a relationship with our children that wraps them in an experience of being “seen.” What steps did you take to begin building this level of intimacy? Perhaps you intended to make a change or intensify your commitment, and life just got in the way. (Translation: nothing changed.)

Choosing a mindset is only the beginning. We must also set up a “system” that will gently remind us of our intention, but firmly and with regularity! How might such a system work? It could be as simple as a daily alarm on your phone or daily calendar entry. Icons work well. Here are a few examples: ? ❤ ? ? ? ? ⚽ ⚾ ? ? ⛺ ? ?‍? ?.  It’s your system. It’s sole purpose is to remind you to squeeze in those important moments of connection. It can be a simple as asking your child what his current favorite song is and then listening to it together. Perhaps you’ve got a sport-minded child.  The icon could remind you to practice a skill, watch a game or, go for a bike ride together. Perhaps they’d enjoy cooking, reading a book together etc. Get creative. The activities need not be expensive or time consuming. They simply must

What will be your first step? How will you help yourself remember to do it?

*Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 30:71–79, 2010 Copyright © Betty Jean Lifton ISSN: 0735-1690 print/1940-9133 online DOI: 10.1080/07351690903200176

Why Adoptive Families Need Peer Friendships.life ringBuilding families through adoption forges strong, loving bonds. It also realigns the life trajectories of entire families and fractures biological ties. Regardless of the degree of openness, adoption generates complicated tangles of atypical* relationships (* in the sense that these relationships do not exist within families built solely through biological ties.)

Raising children, most of us learn, is a team sport. Parenting is too important and too challenging to tackle without proper support resources. Adoption delivers experiences, needs and challenges to which our bio counterparts have no match. This impedes their ability to comprehend what we face and to offer appropriate solutions. How can we help our children handle the task of braiding together their dual heritage and all that task entails? Adoptive families eventually learn that the parenting templates which guided our own childhoods do not suit the needs of our adoptive families.  It’s the equivalent of tossing a life ring when only a life boat will adequately serve.

So where do adoptive families find shoulders upon which we can lean? Family, friends and professionals who have little or no understanding of adoption realities often offer advice that misaligns with our needs as an adoptive family. As the saying goes, a bad marriage is worse than no marriage; so too, poor advice that is not Adoption-attuned* is worse than no advice at all. this is true whether the advice is well-intended or whether it comes from family, friend of professional. A commitment to Adoption-attunement must guide everyone. In the absence of that mindset, any suggestions are apt to create more harm than good.

How does this look in action? Imagine your ten-year-old child formerly comfortable with his adoption, is just beginning to understand the deep losses which adoption created. His teacher reports that he’s struggling to stay focused at school. Your friends suggest you “Impose consequences for his choices: limit TV time, make him do extra homework or miss out on some weekend activity.”  The teacher agrees that you should drop the hammer and put pressure on him to buckle down. Your parents also think “Johnny” is being lazy.

When you listen to all this advice, an internal voice whispers a warning that warns you not to listen because their suggestions will further stress your child when he is already feeling vulnerable. Your intuition tells you that such an approach will shift Johnny’s attention from both his schoolwork and his “adoption work” to build resentment and anger towards you and the  perceived unfairness of your punishing him. Still, you feel you must do something. But what? How will you respond?

Why Adoptive Families Need Peer Friendships. life boatAdoption-attunement guides you to a solution.  First, you make a concerted effort to reinforce your relationship connection. Second, drop “seeds” that might trigger adoption-related conversations. Even if Johnny doesn’t  react, you’ve reminded him that adoption is a welcome and safe topic. Model an approach he might follow. In either direct conversation with him or, in a conversation with your partner that he will overhear–mention that you are working through a relationship at work. Without betraying the privacy of those involved, allude to some of the strategies you use. (That’s a great model of both loyalty and respect for others.)

Talk about the complicated feelings that the circumstance raises and how you are addressing them. Emphasize that you are confident you will solve the problem. Even if your specific techniques do not resonate with your child, he will hear that it is possible to have conflict, ambivalence and emotional messiness and still work it out. That is a great life lesson for him to learn.

Adoptive Families Need Peer Relationships with Others Steeped in the Adoption Experience.maslow's hierarchy of needs

Most kids will stonewall when directly confronted with questions like, “Why did you do that” or, “What the heck is going on?” Try empathy. Focus on reassuring him that you believe he can overcome the situation. Say something like, “School has always been important to you. I’m guessing something must be bugging you. Remember I’m willing to help you work it out.” Although it is counter-intuitive, try to follow this with an invitation to share some fun together. Fun is the building material of relationship. It strengthens the connection. When kids feel connected, they feel safer sharing their “hard stuff” and they care about aligning with the values parents espouse.
Adoptive Families Need Peer Relationships with Others Steeped in the Adoption Experience.hierarchy of needs for adoptees

Perhaps I’m being presumptuous but I believe for adoptive families, Adoption-attunement merits a place in the pyramid of needs. This attunement is primal, constant and evolving. Like the basic need for food and water, the need for adoption-attunement is life-long, life-giving and vital.

We, at GIFT Family Services” believe strongly in adoption-attuned parenting.  If you would like more information regarding this topic, feel free to contact one of our GIFT members. Adoption-attuned support is just a phone call away.

 

 

Adoptive Families Need Peer Relationships with Others Steeped in the Adoption Experience.AQ.Adoption-attunement