GIFT is proud to post this important article which Heather Forbes, LCSW wrote for us. She is renowned for her work through the Beyond Consequences Institute. Through BCI, Heather Forbes advocates a healing, therapeutic response to parenting kids with trauma. She has written several superb books. Next week, we will review her latest, "Help for Billy" which examines how schools and parents can help kids who are challenging in the classroom. All of her books will prove to be an excellent addition to your family's book shelf.
When reviewing records of many of the children with whom I work, I am forever perplexed at one particular notation I continually see written by therapists and counselors. Under the list of negative traits of the child, it is often written, “Child exhibits attention-seeking behaviors.”
I strongly believe that children seek attention because they NEED attention. Nature has designed children to be completely dependent on their parents at the moment they are born. A baby crying is the signaling to the parent the baby has a need, a need that the baby cannot satisfy on his own. The baby is indeed exhibiting attention-seeking behaviors.
The natural flow of the developmental journey of a child is to gradually release this need for attention, moving from a state of dependence to a state of balanced independence. The time period for this is about 18 years. We are the only animals in the animal kingdom that have our children under our care for this length of time. Expecting our children to not need our attention or to view it as a negative behavioral issue during these 18 years goes against our biology.
When children do not know how to verbally express their needs (which is predominately the case during early childhood), they “speak” through their behaviors. In other words, behavior is a form of communication. When a parent can stop, pause, and “listen” to the behavior of a child, it can become quite obvious what the child is saying. Looking at the behavior from an objective perspective also unveils the logic behind the child’s behavior. Here is a list of ten behaviors along with an interpretation of each behavior to demonstrate this:
- Slamming Doors. When a child begins slamming doors, it is an indication that he does not feel like he is being heard. By slamming a door, he is making loud noises, hence forcing the parent to “hear” him. He is essentially saying, “I need to have a voice and I need you to listen to me now!”
- Cursing. Most children know that they should not curse. They use profanity to jar the parent’s nervous system into listening. It is a way to get a parent to respond to the child, even if the response is negative. The child’s fear of not being good enough for the parent to pay attention to him, is also playing out in such a scenario.
- Shutting Down. A child who shuts down, refuses eye contact, walks away, or gives the parent the silent treatment is a child who is overwhelmed. We have traditionally labeled a child like this as defiant. This is a child who is saying, “Life is too big to handle. I’m shutting down my world in order to survive.”
- Hitting Sibling. Sibling rivalry is more about the relationship between the child and parent than it is between two siblings. If a child is not feeling secure in his relationship with his parent(s), he will perceive the sibling as a threat to this relationship with the parent(s). Reacting against the sibling is the basic game of “King of the Hill” in order to win the attention of the parents. The child may receive negative attention from the parent (“Billy, stop picking on your brother!”) but to a child, especially a child with a trauma history, any form of attention, whether positive or negative, is love.
- Challenging Authority. A child who challenges authority is a child who has lost his trust in authority figures. Look back into the child’s history and you will likely see a child who was abused, neglected, or abandoned by someone who was supposed to care for and nurture the child. A child who fights having someone else in charge, is a child saying, “I can’t trust anyone. It is too much of a risk.”
- Saying, “I hate you!”. Such hurtful words directed towards a parent from a child are simply a window into the child’s heart. The child is projecting his self-hatred and self-rejection back onto the parent. What he is communicating is, “I hate myself!” It is easier to hurt someone else than it is to feel the internal hurt within one’s own heart.
- Arguing About Everything. A child who argues about everything and anything is keeping the parent looped in a conversation in order to keep the parent attuned to him. He feels that if the parent were to stop talking with him, he would cease to exist. Arguing is his way of staying connected. It is a negative form of attachment.
- Laziness. Describing a child as being “lazy” is like calling a child crying in a crib a “cry baby.” It is a gross misinterpretation of the child. Laziness is typically a sign of a child who experienced helplessness early in his childhood; it is a learned behavior. Neglect happens when a child tries to elicit attention from his caregiver and the result is nothing. No attention. No help. Zilch. The child learns that his energy does not produce results and as he grows older and gets challenged by life, he will simply shut down and do nothing. He is saying, “My efforts don’t produce results so therefore I won’t even try.”
- Pushing Every Boundary. Many children have such intense behaviors that the adults around them in the past demonstrated a lack of ability to handle them or an unwillingness to stick with them. When parents find the child pushing every boundary, every rule, and every limit, the child is asking, “Can you really handle me?” and “You say you’re my parent, but I need to know you’re not going to give up on me so I will test you to make sure you really are committed before I put any trust into you!”
- Becoming Unglued During Transitions. Trauma happens by surprise and when it happens, there is typically a major change in the child’s life. It is transitional trauma. The aftermath of such traumatic experiences is that the child becomes fearful of EVERY transition, whether large or small. A child’s belief around transitions becomes, “Something bad is going to a happen. Guaranteed.” Past traumatic experiences create the black and white thinking that “All change equals pain.” When a parent sees a child’s negative behaviors intensifying during a transitional time, the parent needs to remember that the child is saying, “I’m so scared that my entire world is going to fall apart in a flash just like it did in the past!”
When parenting a child with challenging behaviors on a day-to day basis, it is easy to lose sight of the idea that behavior is the language of a child. Negative behaviors are tiring! Keep taking care of yourself and keep your cup filled so that you have enough space inside of you to keep looking beyond the behaviors and listening to the behaviors instead of reacting to the behaviors.
The parent/child relationship is a dyad - a two-part system. Remember that your behavioral response also signals a communication to your child. Thus, it is imperative for you to stay mindful and attuned. Give enough attention to yourself as to stay in a place of love so you are always speaking the language of truth, love, and acceptance to your child in return.
To find out more about the Beyond Consequences parenting approach or to purchase a copy of one of this author’s book, please visit www.beyondconsequences.com
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW, is the owner of the Beyond Consequences Institute. She is an internationally published author on the topics of raising children with difficult and severe behaviors, understanding the parent’s reactivity when challenged in the home, and self-development. Forbes lectures, consults, and coaches parents throughout the U.S. and internationally with families in crisis working to create peaceful, loving families. She is passionate about supporting families and professionals by bridging the gap between academic research and "when the rubber hits the road" parenting. Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, developmental delays, and adoption-related issues comes from her direct mothering experience of her two internationally adopted children.
Books:
- Help for Billy: A Beyond Consequences Approach to Helping Challenging Children in the Classroom.
- Dare to Love: The Art of Merging Science and Love Into Parenting Children with Difficult Behaviors.
- Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors, Volume 1.
- Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors, Volume 2.
- 100 Daily Parenting Reflections
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In last week's blog, we shared an interview with adoption expert and author, Heather Forbes, LCSW. We are pleased to review her latest book, Help for Billy: A Beyond Consequences Approach to Helping Challenging Children in the Classroom. This excellent book continues to advocate for children by focusing on relationship first. In each of her books for adoptive parents, Heather Forbes has written knowledgeably with an emphasis on compassion and understanding. In Help for Billy, her approach is again steeped in respect, empathy, and love for the child. He’s not scapegoated as the problem; he’s viewed as a child with problems. Billy is not a bad kid; he’s a kid that life has thrown into the white water and he is struggling mightily to stay afloat.
Yes, it is challenging to be the parent or teacher of a child like Billy. His behavior is problematic. It is both a symptom and evidence of Billy’s need for help.
Several points in the book resonated with me. First Forbes encourages educators and parents to reformulate the questions they ask themselves as they try to determine how to help Billy. Instead of querying, How can Billy change his behavior? She recommends asking, How can we assist Billy in feeling safe, supported and calm?
Until this second question is asked and the answer is found, changing Billy’s behavior with consequences, threats, and constraints is impossible. Even worse, it is damaging to the family relationships as well as the teacher-child relationship.
Relationship influences everything. It is the channel through which a child is influenced, healed, and motivated. In the absence of relationships that feel safe and calm, Billy will be unable to function because he will be entirely focused on surviving and/or escaping his fears. Learning and “behaving” take a backseat to survival in the moment of fear.
Another salient point of the book—alter the desired outcome—is phrased this way: “Your ability to give love and stay mindful is the new outcome.” This statement may seem contrary to the premise of the book—Help for Billy. How can focusing on emotions help Billy academically and socially? By removing his perception that he is in danger and creating a feeling of safety and acceptance, Billy’s brain has energy and space to spend on intellectual activity. As long as Billy is in survival mode, everything else is perceived as frivolous.
Soothing his fears is a huge step towards accepting Billy as he is right now, along with his trauma history and unpleasant coping behaviors. He needs love and acceptance in the present moment. Withholding support, love, and acceptance until he meets certain standards may sentence him to a permanent state of being judged and found short of the mark.
Billy’s path may never smooth out as parents and teachers would hope. The greatest gift they can offer is to scaffold him with the necessary support systems—emotional as well as academic—that allow Billy to begin the lifetime journey of healing his trauma.
Help for Billy offers practical tips for parents and teachers. In many cases, they flip the traditional paradigm 180 degrees. While the approach may seem “out of the box,” it is definitely doable. It may be exactly what the Billys in our families and schools need.
As parents and educators, we must not lose sight that our goal is not to raise scholars but to raise productive human beings. We must nurture Billy’s spirit as our highest priority, then we can hope to address his academic achievement.
As an adoptive parent and an adoption coach, I know the value of Heather's loving, relationship-focused approach. Many times, I have reminded myself to pause and determine if my child's behaviors result from “I won't" or "I can't." Our relationships have benefited from this solution approach. By choosing to be less adversarial and more curious about what drives behavior, better strategies have evolved. More importantly, better relationships have grown. --Gayle H. Swift, author, "ABC, Adoption & Me: A Multicultural Picture Book"
Subscribers to this blog know that I recently became a grandmother. My husband and I are fortunate to spend time with PJ while his parents work. This has provided many opportunities to connect with him, to be intentional about how we spend time together, and to make memories and create relationship. This has been especially poignant for my husband who is terminally ill and currently under Hospice care. This sad reality has enhanced our appreciation for the fragility of life and has spotlighted the difference between what is and is not important.
An idea struck me the other day as I watched one of my hubby's nurse's aides cheerfully play with the baby. I thought about the disparity between PJ's start in life and that of adopted children whose lives began in chaos, trauma, neglect, fragmented families and orphanages.
Our grandson has accumulated evidence that adults consistently care, represent safety, security and encouragement. By contrast "tough start" children amass evidence that is the polar opposite; they've learned adults are frightening, dangerous, unreliable, and inconsistent. (Of course some orphanages do have caregivers who strive to deliver good, loving care but due to the numbers of children for whom they are responsible, their efforts fall short. Under these circumstances, kids learn to expect little, trust only themselves, and freeze out any budding attachments because caregivers "leave.")
Is it any wonder that these kids struggle to fit into families, have difficulty trusting adults, and struggle in school because they're enmeshed in hyper-vigilant monitoring and are convinced that the only person on whom they can rely is themselves?
By contrast, from the day PJ arrived on this earth, his life has overflowed with people who are thrilled he's here. In addition to his mom and dad, he's been blessed with a steady flow of people who convey affection, respond promptly to his needs, engage in attuned interplay, encourage his learning and celebrate each milestone he masters. This has provided PJ with a consistent experience of being seen and heard. Not only have his basic needs been met, but they've also been fulfilled with affection and joy. He's been encouraged, soothed and cuddled. He's been fed, clothed and cleaned, etc., and these interactions have been performed with kindness not resentment, anger or detached disinterest. His world is safe, secure and stable. He has learned that his "voice" counts and that it is worth making the effort to involve himself with people. He wants to connect because it brings him pleasure, satisfaction and security.
The reality of life is that some children do not get this kind of warm, fuzzy start. They must play catch up on their ability and desire to connect and attach with family, peers and the world at large. They must rewire their neurological architecture. As adoptive parents, many of us have committed to parenting these children with tough starts. This road can prove arduous and very, very long. How can we best sustain ourselves and our children as we journey together for a lifetime?
Effective communication is one critical element. Our kids need lots of empathy and understanding; they also need a lot of "do overs." Skill sets and social patterns that have been easily acquired in infancy or early childhood by most kids (those whose lives have been free of trauma,) may take years for our kids to master. First they must "unlearn" their old patterns and templates and then write over these failed strategies with new ones. Before they can risk changing--and more importantly, trusting us to keep them safe--they must feel confident enough that the benefit will outweigh the risk. Talk about a monumental task!
This process can feel as slow as the power of water to erode mountains. But it is well worth the effort, the agony and the hope.
Please take the time to watch these two startling videos which demonstrate both the importance and positive effect of attuned communication and the negative effect of mis-attuned interactions. Two minutes that will break your heart and galvanize your commitment to being intentional about your communication with your children.
https://youtu.be/TzMxrMJBZdQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0
Heather Forbes books offer strategies, insights and hope for families. Read my review Beyond Consequencesof her book, Help for Billy
